Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Still struggling.

Ok, let me first point out that my compulsive exercise hasn't been all treadmill. I do 2 1/2 miles on the treadmill every morning. Beyond that, my walks are outside on the nature trails behind my house. So the 9 mile walk, the 6 mile walk...those happen outside. I could walk forever outside. It's truly my form of meditation. I feel like I can rejuvenate and collect my thoughts. I listen to my music and sing along, and don't give a damn what it sounds like or if anyone hears me. It's the part of the day that I can unwind, and decompress.

So today, I made a vow to myself that I wasn't going to eat anymore crappy food. It was a vow I broke at 12:00. I didn't make it past lunch. I started obsessing about fettuccini alfredo at about 8:00 am and it consumed my mind the whole morning. What did I do?? Of course, I got take out from the nearby Italian restaurant. (followed by a bunch of candy--of course) I seriously feel like an alcoholic on a bender, I'm that out of control. I need to go to a meeting or something.

I worked so hard to lose weight 2 years ago, and I feel like I am throwing it all away. The stupid thing is, I haven't even gained that much weight. Just a few pounds, but it's enough to scare me, because I feel the control slipping away from me. I'm not fat. I weigh 127 right now. I wear anything from a size 4 to an 8 depending on how the clothes are cut. I know that there are people who would love to be the size I am. (I hope that doesn't come off as conceited, that's not how it's meant) Why do I treat my body this way? Why can't I love myself enough to take care of me? Is it the stress I've been under lately on the job front? I don't know. If I knew I could fix it.

I also think I've given the wrong impression to people. I say "we're poor." It's not actually the case. It's more my mindset right now. I'm scared with my job being only 4 days a week, and my pay being accordingly at 80% of my normal pay. This is supposed to last until July 1st, but honestly I doubt it will be better then, so I doubt I'll be full time. I'm just a control freak, and I hate that I have no control over this. I am probably the most financially responsible person I know, and this sends me into a tailspin. I look at the statistics regarding the way Americans save, or rather don't save, and I know I'm better off than most people. I have 2- 401(k)s, a money market account, a savings account, and a private stock account. Nick has a great job at the post office that is completely secure. He gets cost of living increases often quarterly. He also gets regular step increases, and contractual increases....so he usually receives about 6 raises per year. I feel lucky for that. I also feel like an ingrate freaking out the way I am because most people don't have it as good as I do, but it's not something I have control over. You can't control your emotions, you can just control how you react to them. Or something like that.

I need to get myself under control. I need to love my body and take care of it. I need to stop pushing down my emotions with food.

Tomorrow's another day.

1 comment:

Sasha said...

You seem to be -really- struggling. I do understand the money though, I am manic about money and it sort of drives Travis nuts because he loves to spend money. We are quite secure because his job is union/mafia so we have the whole 401k thing and we have no house payments or car payments. But I was raised by parents who grew up during the depression and my mother was SO responsible about money that for -years- I was almost nuts. I've curbed that a lot so now I'm not nearly as nuts but I do still worry sometimes to excess thus driving my husband insane.

Emotions are perfectly normal, just don't let them take command of the ship! That's my mantra. Well, one of them. :)