Monday, January 25, 2010


I love diamonds as much as any girl, in fact I'm sure MUCH MORE SO! But, come on! This is obnoxious.

The unemployed have time to surf the net....

So, Holiday Inn has "human bed-warmers" in England? I'd never believe it, but it's Rueters. It reads like it's out of The Onion. Check it out here for yourself. Honestly, I can't imagine who'd want to take them up on this. I want to pretend my hotel sheets are freshly laundered and I'm the only person who's been in them since the laundry. This may not be true, but let's humor me people. I'll bring my own human to the hotel to warm my sheets, thankyouverymuch!

Random Thoughts of the Unemployed

1. When you don't have a job, your home is no longer the oasis it once was. It begins to feel like your prison.

2. Daytime tv is made for idiots. If you start with average intelligence, you'll soon be an idiot after a few episodes of Maury, Dr. Phil, and the likes.

3. The exception to #2 is Regis and Kelly. Especially if Anderson Cooper is filling in. Kelly is so funny, and makes Anderson delightfully uncomfortable. He is often the guest host on Fridays. Don't ask how I know this.

4. I will watch an episode of Wife Swap in it's entirety, even though that show is awful.

5. All the blue-haired old ladies at the mall on weekday mornings know each other. It's like a club, or cult...I'm not sure which.

6. It's very easy to lose your mind.

7. It's equally easy to lose your self worth.

8. The pets seem to enjoy having a full time maid.

9. It's nice having time to catch up on some reading and DVDs I've been wanting to watch.

10. God bless Lifetime for Will & Grace reruns. Some days it's the only time I smile.

11. As much as I complain about some of my coworkers, it's incredibly lonely at home all day.

12. I worry I'll be unable to find a job and end up working at McDonald's to the embarrassment of my friends and family.

13. In reality, even McDonald's would never hire me. I'm "over-qualified" and for that reason they know I won't stay long term.

14. I'm scared as hell.

15. I'm bored as hell.

16. I'm having some problems controlling my eating. I've been binging from stress & boredom.

17. I wish I could go back and tell that stupid 20-something year old to get her bachelors degree. A gemology degree, and a jewelry design degree are the same exact thing as NO degree. Idiot.

18. Part of me just wants to use the job loss as a reason to move away and start a new life.

19. It's nice not having to worry if I have to get up early to deal with snowy roads. The answer is always no. I can roll out of bed at the crack of noon everyday if I feel like it. (but I'd miss Regis and Kelly) ;)

20. I don't like living in limbo. It's different limbo than I was living in before worrying if I'd get laid off, but not less stressful. Just different.

21. I don't want to whine, be negative, or be a burden to anyone. But I'm failing at that.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Comfortably numb

Well, I've settled into unemployment. I try to leave the house daily to battle the depression. Most days I succeed, some days I fail miserably. I've become a regular mall-walker. Weird, but it gets me out of the house for a change of scenery, and a bit of exercise. I've been doing the treadmill daily, in addition to several workout DVDs. Yoga, and Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I really enjoy the 30 Day Shred. It's a great workout.

I've sent out several resumes, and haven't heard boo back from a single one. It's a bit discouraging. I see a lot of morons out there with jobs, and I know I'm smarter than the average person by quite a bit, I just need to somehow make that come across on paper. I'm apparently not doing that effectively.

I went to see "The Lovely Bones" Tuesday, January 12th. It was a free movie that I got passes to on the internet. Nick wanted to see it, but ended up having to work (much needed) overtime. I called around, and nobody could go with me on 4 hours notice. That's pretty reasonable. I don't expect people to drop their lives to entertain me, and I'm certainly comfortable going to the movies alone; I do it often. For some reason this was suddenly a metaphor for my life. I had no friends, and nobody cared about me. I couldn't even lure anyone to a FREE movie with me. I suddenly was having a MAJOR pity party. I debated not going, but figured it's a free movie, and it gets me out of the house, so I better do it. I went to the mall where it was screening early to get in a little walk. I walked around and window shopped, and seemed to feel a little better. I went to Arby's (which I don't even like) to grab a quick bite to eat before the movie. While I was eating, a friend called to see if I found a movie date, and I lost it. I was now the girl at Arby's eating alone and crying on the phone to her friend. L-O-S-E-R! Big time. I was embarrassed of myself. I hate crying in public. I hate people looking at me with pity-face. I dried my tears and went to the movie. I was ok, but a lot of the movie seemed like the little girl who narrates it was kind of lonely...I mean she's dead, so that's lonely, right? Well, I didn't really care for the movie, but for some reason I cried a bit at the end. I doubt much of my emotion was caused by the movie, if any. As I was leaving, the tears streamed more, and more until by the time I was at my car I was full on bawling. Not just bawling, but hyper-ventilating and sobbing. I was the most alone I've ever felt. I was nothing to anyone. I had no value or worth whatsoever. I cried the entire 30 minute drive home. Nick thought I had lost my mind when I got home, and maybe I had. I wasn't sure, and didn't much care. That was my darkest day. I've been better since then, but I do still have my moments of depression.

About a month ago someone who I had always considered a friend lashed out at me in a really hurtful manner. It really caught me off guard, and tore me to shreds. It happened the week before I was laid off, and while it's clear by what he said to me a lot of it was him projecting a lot of his own issues onto me, it was still extremely hurtful coming from someone I always held as a friend. Sometimes people seem super nice on the outside, but it's a mask they are wearing. Sometimes in the end they turn out to be mean-spirited frauds who kick you in the teeth when you're already down. It was a good lesson for me, but a hurtful one. I guess that's life, right? It made me cherish the people who are my true friends more. You know who you are, and I love you. :) Thanks for all the support lately. I've needed it.

I guess my grandpa isn't doing well now. He just moved into an assisted living apartment after living independently for just over 91 years, but he seems to be going downhill rapidly. My grandpa has always meant the world to me. He's really been more of a parent to me than my mother or father ever were, and I really can't imagine my life without him. He wasn't well enough to make it to our family Christmas celebration last week, which was really sad for me. He was one of the only ones I wanted to see, to be honest. I'm going to make arrangements to go up and see him. He lives about 4 hours north of here, so I'm going to go on a little road trip, maybe next week. I hope he's the sweet, kind, grandpa I've always known, but I've been told to be prepared that he may not be. He's been lashing out at people, which isn't his nature, so I'm worried.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

The other shoe

Well, the other shoe finally dropped. I've been fearful of my company laying me off for about 1 1/2 years now, and Wednesday, December 30th my fear became my reality.

It's a mix of emotions. Relief, because I can't worry about it anymore. It's happened. Fear. What if I can't find a job? My degrees aren't exactly sought after. Yeah....a gemologist isn't someone that everyone is knocking down doors to employ in this economy. I fear I'll be living in a tent city before long. (I can hear Matty yelling at me that this isn't true...I know, Matty.) I fear I'll lose everything. In reality, I know this isn't true because I've been planning for my unemployment for a while now. We refinanced the house to a lower interest rate, and our payment lowered by about $350/month. I've been saving money in anticipation of my paycheck disappearing. Funny, my job cut me by 1 day a week at the beginning of the year, and still with 20% less income I managed to save a decent amount of money.

I've never been unemployed, and frankly it's really not good for your self esteem. It's kind of sad how much my job defined who I was as a person, and I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I'm not really sure I want to find out, either. I don't really care.

I think my biggest fear is of myself. I'm worried about me slipping away. Slipping into a depression I can't pull out of. I noticed myself getting depressed on my Fridays off that I've had for the last year. I forced myself to go out on my day off. Just to leave the house, because on the days I didn't leave the house, I didn't like where I was mentally. It makes me feel bad about myself. I'm not productive. My mind and soul go to dark places, and I don't want this to be who I am, or define me. I can feel the slip already happening. It's hard to get out of bed. It's hard to leave the couch. Everything is so hard. Except crying, that's easy.