Sunday, January 3, 2010

The other shoe

Well, the other shoe finally dropped. I've been fearful of my company laying me off for about 1 1/2 years now, and Wednesday, December 30th my fear became my reality.

It's a mix of emotions. Relief, because I can't worry about it anymore. It's happened. Fear. What if I can't find a job? My degrees aren't exactly sought after. Yeah....a gemologist isn't someone that everyone is knocking down doors to employ in this economy. I fear I'll be living in a tent city before long. (I can hear Matty yelling at me that this isn't true...I know, Matty.) I fear I'll lose everything. In reality, I know this isn't true because I've been planning for my unemployment for a while now. We refinanced the house to a lower interest rate, and our payment lowered by about $350/month. I've been saving money in anticipation of my paycheck disappearing. Funny, my job cut me by 1 day a week at the beginning of the year, and still with 20% less income I managed to save a decent amount of money.

I've never been unemployed, and frankly it's really not good for your self esteem. It's kind of sad how much my job defined who I was as a person, and I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I'm not really sure I want to find out, either. I don't really care.

I think my biggest fear is of myself. I'm worried about me slipping away. Slipping into a depression I can't pull out of. I noticed myself getting depressed on my Fridays off that I've had for the last year. I forced myself to go out on my day off. Just to leave the house, because on the days I didn't leave the house, I didn't like where I was mentally. It makes me feel bad about myself. I'm not productive. My mind and soul go to dark places, and I don't want this to be who I am, or define me. I can feel the slip already happening. It's hard to get out of bed. It's hard to leave the couch. Everything is so hard. Except crying, that's easy.


4 comments:

erik98122 said...

Man what a sucky way to end a rather sucktastick year! :( Try not to let it get you down too much! (I know, easier said then done!) I've had so many friends go through the same damn thing. It's not been easy for them but each and every one has moved on to bigger and better things. I wish you well on the job quest. It sucks...but you may just fall into something you really enjoy. I had a few friends who found solace volunteering at various charities. Maybe that could help get you out of the house and your head for awhile.

Lot's of love
erik in the Seattles

The Diva Geek said...

Oh Holly! This makes me want to meet you in Chicago with Lady GaGa tix, chocolate, booze and Xanax. I know how you feel. It's not a happy place. Just remember that your job does not define you or your worth as a person. You're smart and fabulous!

@alidrue

Walt said...

But it leaves more time for blogging!! See, there *is* a silver lining!

Melanie said...

Believe me, pumpkin, I know just how much this sucks. And I know you kinda traded stresses (dickheads at work for jobhunting, but now you can spend lots of time shopping online, playing with the furkids and harassing Walt, so that's all good.