Sunday, January 24, 2010

Comfortably numb

Well, I've settled into unemployment. I try to leave the house daily to battle the depression. Most days I succeed, some days I fail miserably. I've become a regular mall-walker. Weird, but it gets me out of the house for a change of scenery, and a bit of exercise. I've been doing the treadmill daily, in addition to several workout DVDs. Yoga, and Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I really enjoy the 30 Day Shred. It's a great workout.

I've sent out several resumes, and haven't heard boo back from a single one. It's a bit discouraging. I see a lot of morons out there with jobs, and I know I'm smarter than the average person by quite a bit, I just need to somehow make that come across on paper. I'm apparently not doing that effectively.

I went to see "The Lovely Bones" Tuesday, January 12th. It was a free movie that I got passes to on the internet. Nick wanted to see it, but ended up having to work (much needed) overtime. I called around, and nobody could go with me on 4 hours notice. That's pretty reasonable. I don't expect people to drop their lives to entertain me, and I'm certainly comfortable going to the movies alone; I do it often. For some reason this was suddenly a metaphor for my life. I had no friends, and nobody cared about me. I couldn't even lure anyone to a FREE movie with me. I suddenly was having a MAJOR pity party. I debated not going, but figured it's a free movie, and it gets me out of the house, so I better do it. I went to the mall where it was screening early to get in a little walk. I walked around and window shopped, and seemed to feel a little better. I went to Arby's (which I don't even like) to grab a quick bite to eat before the movie. While I was eating, a friend called to see if I found a movie date, and I lost it. I was now the girl at Arby's eating alone and crying on the phone to her friend. L-O-S-E-R! Big time. I was embarrassed of myself. I hate crying in public. I hate people looking at me with pity-face. I dried my tears and went to the movie. I was ok, but a lot of the movie seemed like the little girl who narrates it was kind of lonely...I mean she's dead, so that's lonely, right? Well, I didn't really care for the movie, but for some reason I cried a bit at the end. I doubt much of my emotion was caused by the movie, if any. As I was leaving, the tears streamed more, and more until by the time I was at my car I was full on bawling. Not just bawling, but hyper-ventilating and sobbing. I was the most alone I've ever felt. I was nothing to anyone. I had no value or worth whatsoever. I cried the entire 30 minute drive home. Nick thought I had lost my mind when I got home, and maybe I had. I wasn't sure, and didn't much care. That was my darkest day. I've been better since then, but I do still have my moments of depression.

About a month ago someone who I had always considered a friend lashed out at me in a really hurtful manner. It really caught me off guard, and tore me to shreds. It happened the week before I was laid off, and while it's clear by what he said to me a lot of it was him projecting a lot of his own issues onto me, it was still extremely hurtful coming from someone I always held as a friend. Sometimes people seem super nice on the outside, but it's a mask they are wearing. Sometimes in the end they turn out to be mean-spirited frauds who kick you in the teeth when you're already down. It was a good lesson for me, but a hurtful one. I guess that's life, right? It made me cherish the people who are my true friends more. You know who you are, and I love you. :) Thanks for all the support lately. I've needed it.

I guess my grandpa isn't doing well now. He just moved into an assisted living apartment after living independently for just over 91 years, but he seems to be going downhill rapidly. My grandpa has always meant the world to me. He's really been more of a parent to me than my mother or father ever were, and I really can't imagine my life without him. He wasn't well enough to make it to our family Christmas celebration last week, which was really sad for me. He was one of the only ones I wanted to see, to be honest. I'm going to make arrangements to go up and see him. He lives about 4 hours north of here, so I'm going to go on a little road trip, maybe next week. I hope he's the sweet, kind, grandpa I've always known, but I've been told to be prepared that he may not be. He's been lashing out at people, which isn't his nature, so I'm worried.


Michael said...

Poor girl! For the record, I would have gone to see the movie with you. :)

I really hope you have a good visit with your grandfather.

Fairy Princess Holly said...

Thanks Michael! I really just was having a bad pity party that day. Everyone was just busy & couldn't make the movie, it wasn't me. I know that. :) I'll let you know what happens with Grandpa.