Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Request
I got a request from Leah to put one of those "followers" things on my blog. Well, ask and you shall receive. So, hey bitches, follow me! ;)
Monday, December 22, 2008
randomness
1. I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. I'm unapologetic about it, and because of this, Nick won't share toothpaste with me. :) I have my very own tube.
2. I love a hoodie. I have probably 30 hoodies minimum in my closet. I love a hoodie sweatshirt (Lucky in particular) I love a hoodie sweater, a hoodie jacket, I love all things with hoods. Not sure why.
3. I hate wool. Even a small fraction of a percentage makes me itch, and it doesn't matter if I wear a shirt under it. Yuck.
4. I should be on the treadmill right now.
5. I had to call my father last night when writing out Holiday cards, because I couldn't remember if my uncle was dead or alive. (he's alive....who knew?)
6. I think being unable to recall if someone is even alive or not, means they shouldn't be on your holiday card list.
7. I am feeling a little excited for Giftmas and I'm not sure why.
8. That last statement might be a lie. I think I know why....I have a bunch of junk food I'm making to eat on Christmas Day. I also made new rules on the gift buying of the money grubbers.
9. I just started working out with a weight ball, and I love it. (thanks Walt!)
10. I would love to have six pack abs. How does that happen??
2. I love a hoodie. I have probably 30 hoodies minimum in my closet. I love a hoodie sweatshirt (Lucky in particular) I love a hoodie sweater, a hoodie jacket, I love all things with hoods. Not sure why.
3. I hate wool. Even a small fraction of a percentage makes me itch, and it doesn't matter if I wear a shirt under it. Yuck.
4. I should be on the treadmill right now.
5. I had to call my father last night when writing out Holiday cards, because I couldn't remember if my uncle was dead or alive. (he's alive....who knew?)
6. I think being unable to recall if someone is even alive or not, means they shouldn't be on your holiday card list.
7. I am feeling a little excited for Giftmas and I'm not sure why.
8. That last statement might be a lie. I think I know why....I have a bunch of junk food I'm making to eat on Christmas Day. I also made new rules on the gift buying of the money grubbers.
9. I just started working out with a weight ball, and I love it. (thanks Walt!)
10. I would love to have six pack abs. How does that happen??
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Who are you???
Hey, I notice I've been getting several hits per day from Minneapolis.....so 'fess up. Who are you? :) Just curious.
Snore update.
Nick got a CPAP machine for his snoring today. I'm hopeful that I may get some sleep soon. Cautiously optimistic. Or something. I wonder if the dog can get one too, because he's been snoring a lot the last month or two.
Otherwise, that's it. I'm tired. I didn't sleep well at all last night, so I'm really dragging.
Otherwise, that's it. I'm tired. I didn't sleep well at all last night, so I'm really dragging.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
P.S.
I love calling Christmas "Giftmas" and am thinking of having it printed on my holiday cards that we send to Nick's family of money grubbers. I've completely stolen that word from Sevi, and need to give her credit for it. I think it's hilarious and brilliant, and it completely sums up how that holiday makes me feel.
Stress
Hey everyone,
First off, I just want to thank everyone who read my last post and was worried about me. I just wrote it to get it out of my system, and I'm fine. Really. The situation with my mother just is what it is, and I sometimes get down about it, especially during her birthday and the holidays.
This year is was probably magnified by all the other things going on in my life right now. I've been extremely worried about the economy. Since my job is in the "luxury" business, it's not terribly stable with the shaky finances that so many people have these days. Funny how people who are losing their house, have been laid off, and can't afford to buy groceries are not buying jewelry this year! That makes me nervous for my own job. Very nervous. Ok, maybe paralyzed with fear is more like it. I had a panic attack last week when I went Giftmas shopping. I just started thinking about the money, the fact that our phones at work are not really ringing, and everything just boiled over. I couldn't leave the mall fast enough. By the time I got to my car, I wasn't just crying, but bawling and hyperventilating. I've never had a panic attack before in my life. In fact, people who know me in real life are the most shocked and worried over that, because it's just not like me. I'm usually the stable, steady, rational one. Not this time, not right now.
There is also a lot of other things going on, that I'm not quite ready to talk about in my blog, but let's just say they are all contributing to my stress level.
So, for those of you who worried about me, thank you. I'm okay. It's just a rough time right now for me.
First off, I just want to thank everyone who read my last post and was worried about me. I just wrote it to get it out of my system, and I'm fine. Really. The situation with my mother just is what it is, and I sometimes get down about it, especially during her birthday and the holidays.
This year is was probably magnified by all the other things going on in my life right now. I've been extremely worried about the economy. Since my job is in the "luxury" business, it's not terribly stable with the shaky finances that so many people have these days. Funny how people who are losing their house, have been laid off, and can't afford to buy groceries are not buying jewelry this year! That makes me nervous for my own job. Very nervous. Ok, maybe paralyzed with fear is more like it. I had a panic attack last week when I went Giftmas shopping. I just started thinking about the money, the fact that our phones at work are not really ringing, and everything just boiled over. I couldn't leave the mall fast enough. By the time I got to my car, I wasn't just crying, but bawling and hyperventilating. I've never had a panic attack before in my life. In fact, people who know me in real life are the most shocked and worried over that, because it's just not like me. I'm usually the stable, steady, rational one. Not this time, not right now.
There is also a lot of other things going on, that I'm not quite ready to talk about in my blog, but let's just say they are all contributing to my stress level.
So, for those of you who worried about me, thank you. I'm okay. It's just a rough time right now for me.
Things my mother taught me
Today was my mother's 66th birthday. I didn't call. I didn't get her a card. I didn't acknowledge it in any way, because it's too stressful for me.
My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic, and I haven't had contact with her in almost 6 years. Before that, I tried desperately to gain her approval; my whole childhood, and most of my adult life. I've learned since then, that I'll never be good enough, smart enough, funny enough. I'm not enough. I've learned since then that you can't reason with crazy. I've learned that it's not my fault my mother can't love me. I've learned that it's not okay to treat a child the way I was treated. I've learned that no matter how much you want to have a normal family, it's not possible for everybody.
I sometimes wonder what I would be like if I had normal parents. If I had parents who loved and wanted me. I wonder what I could have became if I was told I was smart, pretty, funny, wanted and loved. I wonder what it would have been like to have a carefree childhood where I didn't worry about my mom leaving me because she never wanted kids. If I hadn't had parents that found my very existence to be a burden. If my parents had wanted custody of me when they divorced rather than fighting over who had to take me. I wonder if I would be less self destructive. I wonder if I would have learned to love myself. I wonder if I would have learned to demand better treatment of me by others. Instead, after 37 years, I continue to let people treat me as if I'm disposable. After all, my parents taught me I am.
I used to worry that I would grow up to be crazy like my mother. Luckily, the paranoid schizophrenia becomes apparent in your mid to late twenties, so I dodged that bullet. Hey, at least I dodged one, right?
My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic, and I haven't had contact with her in almost 6 years. Before that, I tried desperately to gain her approval; my whole childhood, and most of my adult life. I've learned since then, that I'll never be good enough, smart enough, funny enough. I'm not enough. I've learned since then that you can't reason with crazy. I've learned that it's not my fault my mother can't love me. I've learned that it's not okay to treat a child the way I was treated. I've learned that no matter how much you want to have a normal family, it's not possible for everybody.
I sometimes wonder what I would be like if I had normal parents. If I had parents who loved and wanted me. I wonder what I could have became if I was told I was smart, pretty, funny, wanted and loved. I wonder what it would have been like to have a carefree childhood where I didn't worry about my mom leaving me because she never wanted kids. If I hadn't had parents that found my very existence to be a burden. If my parents had wanted custody of me when they divorced rather than fighting over who had to take me. I wonder if I would be less self destructive. I wonder if I would have learned to love myself. I wonder if I would have learned to demand better treatment of me by others. Instead, after 37 years, I continue to let people treat me as if I'm disposable. After all, my parents taught me I am.
I used to worry that I would grow up to be crazy like my mother. Luckily, the paranoid schizophrenia becomes apparent in your mid to late twenties, so I dodged that bullet. Hey, at least I dodged one, right?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Thoughts.
I thought of these things when I was reading Walt's blog:
1. I adore Edith Bunker. I know she's not a real person, but I cried like a baby when she died on All in the Family. I was scared to death when she was raped. I wish she was my mom. She may have been a "dingbat" but she was so loving, sweet and innocent, and always did the right thing.
2. I love macaroni and cheese. A lot. It is probably the most comforting food in the world to me.
3. My friend Mitch is sending me some Teuscher Champagne Truffles Fed Ex for tomorrow. He is fabulous!
4. I miss all the old tv shows from the 70s and 80s.
5. I think the people at Sony are a bunch of bastards for not releasing any more seasons of Fantasy Island.
6. I love JZ for buying me season 1 of Fantasy Island.
7. I've met a lot of really wonderful people through the podcast.
8. I don't get why people think Jay Leno is funny. He's not funny at all, and annoys me to no end.
9. David Letterman is a genius and I wanted to marry him when I was 14. I think I still do.
10. I'm heading downstairs to the treadmill because I only got in 25 minutes this morning. I'll be watching Private Practice from the treadmill, in case you were wondering!
1. I adore Edith Bunker. I know she's not a real person, but I cried like a baby when she died on All in the Family. I was scared to death when she was raped. I wish she was my mom. She may have been a "dingbat" but she was so loving, sweet and innocent, and always did the right thing.
2. I love macaroni and cheese. A lot. It is probably the most comforting food in the world to me.
3. My friend Mitch is sending me some Teuscher Champagne Truffles Fed Ex for tomorrow. He is fabulous!
4. I miss all the old tv shows from the 70s and 80s.
5. I think the people at Sony are a bunch of bastards for not releasing any more seasons of Fantasy Island.
6. I love JZ for buying me season 1 of Fantasy Island.
7. I've met a lot of really wonderful people through the podcast.
8. I don't get why people think Jay Leno is funny. He's not funny at all, and annoys me to no end.
9. David Letterman is a genius and I wanted to marry him when I was 14. I think I still do.
10. I'm heading downstairs to the treadmill because I only got in 25 minutes this morning. I'll be watching Private Practice from the treadmill, in case you were wondering!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Fifty more random statements.
Because I like these kind of blogs. I like that they are random and tangential....just like me.
1. I don't like white underwear. At all. In fact, I find them repulsive, and will never wear them.
2. I do like white socks, and I don't know why.
3. I have freakishly small feet, and often buy children's shoes because they are cheaper.
4. I'm cheap, but prefer to think I'm frugal, however I'll pay more for a quality product.
5. As cheap as I am, I'm also a snob. I like nice things.
6. I'm only fine if the word is being used as an acronym for Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. (thanks to The Italian Job, where I stole that from)
7. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but should start figuring it out pretty soon.
8. I'm the thinnest I've been since high school right now, but I still look fat in the mirror.
9. I don't like it when I let someone into my lane when there is a traffic jam, and they don't give me the little courtesy wave.
10. I sometimes lie to people at the movie theater when they ask if seats are taken because I don't want them sitting by me. I especially do this if they look "chatty."
11. I'm unapologetic about shushing people at the movie theater who talk. If you need to talk all through the movie, then watch it in your fucking living room! Jeez!
12. I think I might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown right now.
13. I love the deep v-neck long sleeved t-shirts from Old Navy, and wear them as one of my layers almost every day.
14. If I find something I like, I will buy multiples of it. Sometimes in every color, and usually several in black.
15. I live in jeans.
16. Shazam and the Livestrong Calorie Counter are the 2 best iPhone applications.
17. I once painted the outside of my house purple. Not a muted quiet color, but a rather bright crazy shade of purple.
18. I'm really proud that I went to Costa Rica to learn to surf. I'm also really proud that I actually picked it up and was able to do it!
19. I have an irrational fear of being eaten by a shark.
20. I love Michael Stipe.
21. I like Miracle Whip, and I'm confident that makes me white trash.
22. I love Teuscher Champagne Truffles, and maybe that counteracts my white trash Miracle Whip tendencies.
23. Almost no people I know in real life read this or listen to the podcast. I'm kind of glad for both.
24. I like to be alone. I'm comfortable traveling alone, eating alone. None of that ever bothers me.
25. I sometime feel more alone in a group of people than I ever do when I'm by myself.
26. I don't really like Christmas. I find it incredibly stressful.
27. I own 3 Menorahs.
28. My favorite Christmas songs are "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy by Bing Crosby and David Bowie, "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses, "Mele Kalikimaka" by Bing Crosby, "Baby it's Cold Outside" and "Medley Winterwonderland/Sleighride" by Dolly Parton.
29. I have a collection of Precious Moments in boxes in my basement. Ugh. (don't judge...I know it's scary)
30. I'm addicted to Mint Chapstick.
31. I once was a patch test subject for Aveda. They don't test on animals, so I let them test products on me.
32. I used to volunteer for the late Senator Paul Wellstone.
33. I met Ben and Jerry at a birthday party for Paul Wellstone one year. Mmm. Ice cream.
34. I hate Windows Vista, and my next computer will be an iMac.
35. I love my new treadmill, and put 33 miles on it this week.
36. I'm a home pooper. I know, TMI.
37. I use cloth napkins at home because I don't like to waste paper.
38. I have lost peripheral vision in my right eye.
39. Coke Zero and Pepsi One are my two favorite sodas.
40. I can't drink orange juice with pulp. Lumpy drinks make me gag.
41. Peppermint bon bon, and chocolate brownie chunk are my favorite ice creams.
42. I love the giant Toblerone bars you can get at Target. Not sure why an 11 oz Toblerone is appropriate, but it is. Mmm, candy!
43. I'm trying to eat healthier.
44. I seem to have developed a slight Trader Joe's addiction.
45. I can quit anytime I want to.
46. There is no such thing as a diamond that's too big.
47. I have really random taste in music.
48. I love the Rachel Maddow podcast.
49. I'm scared for the future.
50. I need a nap, but I'm going for a run on the treamill.
1. I don't like white underwear. At all. In fact, I find them repulsive, and will never wear them.
2. I do like white socks, and I don't know why.
3. I have freakishly small feet, and often buy children's shoes because they are cheaper.
4. I'm cheap, but prefer to think I'm frugal, however I'll pay more for a quality product.
5. As cheap as I am, I'm also a snob. I like nice things.
6. I'm only fine if the word is being used as an acronym for Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. (thanks to The Italian Job, where I stole that from)
7. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but should start figuring it out pretty soon.
8. I'm the thinnest I've been since high school right now, but I still look fat in the mirror.
9. I don't like it when I let someone into my lane when there is a traffic jam, and they don't give me the little courtesy wave.
10. I sometimes lie to people at the movie theater when they ask if seats are taken because I don't want them sitting by me. I especially do this if they look "chatty."
11. I'm unapologetic about shushing people at the movie theater who talk. If you need to talk all through the movie, then watch it in your fucking living room! Jeez!
12. I think I might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown right now.
13. I love the deep v-neck long sleeved t-shirts from Old Navy, and wear them as one of my layers almost every day.
14. If I find something I like, I will buy multiples of it. Sometimes in every color, and usually several in black.
15. I live in jeans.
16. Shazam and the Livestrong Calorie Counter are the 2 best iPhone applications.
17. I once painted the outside of my house purple. Not a muted quiet color, but a rather bright crazy shade of purple.
18. I'm really proud that I went to Costa Rica to learn to surf. I'm also really proud that I actually picked it up and was able to do it!
19. I have an irrational fear of being eaten by a shark.
20. I love Michael Stipe.
21. I like Miracle Whip, and I'm confident that makes me white trash.
22. I love Teuscher Champagne Truffles, and maybe that counteracts my white trash Miracle Whip tendencies.
23. Almost no people I know in real life read this or listen to the podcast. I'm kind of glad for both.
24. I like to be alone. I'm comfortable traveling alone, eating alone. None of that ever bothers me.
25. I sometime feel more alone in a group of people than I ever do when I'm by myself.
26. I don't really like Christmas. I find it incredibly stressful.
27. I own 3 Menorahs.
28. My favorite Christmas songs are "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy by Bing Crosby and David Bowie, "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses, "Mele Kalikimaka" by Bing Crosby, "Baby it's Cold Outside" and "Medley Winterwonderland/Sleighride" by Dolly Parton.
29. I have a collection of Precious Moments in boxes in my basement. Ugh. (don't judge...I know it's scary)
30. I'm addicted to Mint Chapstick.
31. I once was a patch test subject for Aveda. They don't test on animals, so I let them test products on me.
32. I used to volunteer for the late Senator Paul Wellstone.
33. I met Ben and Jerry at a birthday party for Paul Wellstone one year. Mmm. Ice cream.
34. I hate Windows Vista, and my next computer will be an iMac.
35. I love my new treadmill, and put 33 miles on it this week.
36. I'm a home pooper. I know, TMI.
37. I use cloth napkins at home because I don't like to waste paper.
38. I have lost peripheral vision in my right eye.
39. Coke Zero and Pepsi One are my two favorite sodas.
40. I can't drink orange juice with pulp. Lumpy drinks make me gag.
41. Peppermint bon bon, and chocolate brownie chunk are my favorite ice creams.
42. I love the giant Toblerone bars you can get at Target. Not sure why an 11 oz Toblerone is appropriate, but it is. Mmm, candy!
43. I'm trying to eat healthier.
44. I seem to have developed a slight Trader Joe's addiction.
45. I can quit anytime I want to.
46. There is no such thing as a diamond that's too big.
47. I have really random taste in music.
48. I love the Rachel Maddow podcast.
49. I'm scared for the future.
50. I need a nap, but I'm going for a run on the treamill.
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