Saturday, April 5, 2008

Depression 1, Holly 0

Well, to further shit on me, our podcast got another 1 star review in iTunes. I know I shouldn't care, and I've been told to "get thicker skin" but it really hurts my feelings. This one seemed particularly malicious.

I really don't know what to do with myself right now. I've never felt depression like this, and I don't really know how to respond to it.

We were supposed to podcast today, but I blew that. Nessa and Walt were nice about it, as they always are. I sort of feel like I just continually let people down. Most of all myself.

I don't know what to do about work. I've been in the jewelry industry my entire adult life. I know I'm smart and will learn another industry easily, and I'm a buyer, so that translates from one industry to another fairly easily. The thing is, I'll be giving up everything I've known the last 14 years. I'll never see some of my best friends again, once I leave. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's true. Some of my best friends I speak with daily and see at conventions etc. I really feel like a part of me has died. A part of my identity has died.

The other thing that is upsetting, is someone I considered a friend is mad at me. I did/said something stupid for which I've immediately apologized profusely, but it doesn't seem to matter. I just don't really have the energy to deal with anything more. I guess if being sincerely sorry isn't good enough, then I can't fix it.

I'm really tired of crying all the time. I'm really tired of feeling sad, scared, stupid, and embarrassed. I'm tired of hating me. It's exhausting.

LOST: My sunny disposition.
Reward if found...I miss it terribly.


Walt said...

You know I hate seeing you like this. I feel helpless.

I found action figures that I really wanted on sale for 50% off, so I have some extra sunny disposition for you if you'd like it.

Nessa said...

you know I got your back and will do anything to help you. You didn't let anyone down.

Youve got some changes coming up in your life and it's enough to make the best person crazy.

It's good we took a break today. It's better for us to want to podcast than have to.

Bjorn said...

holly even though we never have met i read this and get sad. i listen to the podcast cause ya'll are funny but also becuase you remind me of home. not nessa and walt but you.

cheer up you get to see tulips which last 5 seconds down here. take care hon.

Melanie said...

Dickheads like your one-starrers are compelled to shit over stuff other people like. They are to be shunned like the social lepers they are. Feh on them.

And I'm sorry about the work woes. Hopefully the next job will provide a whole range of new friends.

Queen Liz said...

Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills...Life's full of little spills...
Sorry to hear my FPH is down in the dumps. Is there anything I cna do to help? Bake bread? Video tape me dancing and post it on YouTube? I am your bitch afterall.
Seriously, I hope things work out and you get out of this hole.
Who loves ya? (the answer is me, in case you didn't know)

Laura said...

Hey there Holly. So sorry for all the sucky things going on right now. If you are like me, you avoid bad feelings like the plague! But let yourself be sad for a bit. Don't beat yourself up about it. You are dealing with yucky stuff and that feels bad.

It will get better - don't you hate when people say that? I do! But that doesn't make it less true.

Feel your stupid, yucky feelings and then let them go. And be extra nice to yourself. You know you deserve to be spoiled! So take what you deserve!

OK, enough platitudes. We all care about you! Guess that's what I'm trying to say.

erik98122 said...

oh kiddo, I'm so sorry to hear you've been down in the dumps! I know there's not much I can do, but I did want you to know that there are people out here in cyber land who love and adore you...just the way you are! And I'm not just saying that because I'm your bitch! :)

take care my friend!


RambleRedhead said...

Hang in there sweetie - hope it gets better

When I have a bad day I just go to my emergency stash of chocolate and watch bad tv!

(F)redddy said...

The good thing about starting something new is NEW FRIENDS!!!

Much love,
Dr. (F)eel