I'm shocked.

I really am surprised at how truly hateful people can be. Perfect strangers getting off on making someone they don't know, who's never done anything to hurt them, feel like crap. And then laugh while someone else cries. What sad, pitiful, and terribly empty lives you must lead. Tragic. I don't hate you, I pity you. You have no soul, and nothing to offer the world.

I'm tired, but still digesting the hatefulness of the evening. I need to sleep. I need to purge myself of this night.

I refuse to apologize for having feelings. I won't apologize for having a soul. Your hate lives within you, not me. I won't own your dysfunction. That's not mine.

Because I'm going to hell....

Ok, I stole this from our listener/pal Bjorn's blog. It makes me laugh....and if it makes you laugh too, then at least I'll have some friends in hell. :)

IPod Shuffle Game (Stolen directly from Walt)

Ok, so this is a little more lighthearted than my last few posts....and I don't want to drive all of you away completely with my blah blah blah...woe is me bullshit. So here's the deal, put your iPod on shuffle and list the first 12 songs that come up--no matter how embarrassing they may be!

1. Groovy Kind of Love - Phil Collins
2. My Happy Ending - Avril Levigne
3. Electrolite - R.E.M.
4 Dirty Little Secret - The All-American Rejects (this seems to come up in shuffle a LOT)
5 The Last Song -Elton John (this song always makes me cry)
6 How Far We've Come - Matchbox Twenty
7 Cleanin' Out My Closet - Eminem
8 Unsent - Alanis Morissette
9 The Old Apartment - Barenaked Ladies
10 Santa Monica - Everclear
11 What's The Matter Here? - 10,000 Maniacs (one of my favorite albums of all time)
12 It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) - R.E.M. (Birthday party, cheese cake, jelly bean, BOOM! I love how random the lyrics are to that song.)

So there you have it my 12 in the shuffle.

Depression 1, Holly 0

Well, to further shit on me, our podcast got another 1 star review in iTunes. I know I shouldn't care, and I've been told to "get thicker skin" but it really hurts my feelings. This one seemed particularly malicious.

I really don't know what to do with myself right now. I've never felt depression like this, and I don't really know how to respond to it.

We were supposed to podcast today, but I blew that. Nessa and Walt were nice about it, as they always are. I sort of feel like I just continually let people down. Most of all myself.

I don't know what to do about work. I've been in the jewelry industry my entire adult life. I know I'm smart and will learn another industry easily, and I'm a buyer, so that translates from one industry to another fairly easily. The thing is, I'll be giving up everything I've known the last 14 years. I'll never see some of my best friends again, once I leave. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's true. Some of my best friends I speak with daily and see at conventions etc. I really feel like a part of me has died. A part of my identity has died.

The other thing that is upsetting, is someone I considered a friend is mad at me. I did/said something stupid for which I've immediately apologized profusely, but it doesn't seem to matter. I just don't really have the energy to deal with anything more. I guess if being sincerely sorry isn't good enough, then I can't fix it.

I'm really tired of crying all the time. I'm really tired of feeling sad, scared, stupid, and embarrassed. I'm tired of hating me. It's exhausting.

LOST: My sunny disposition.
Reward if found...I miss it terribly.

I hate

EVERYTHING in my life.

I'm tired.

I'm depressed.

I feel no self worth.

I just want to withdraw from the world.