Monday, February 23, 2009

I have a problem

I'm sure this comes as no shock to many of you, but I have a problem with food. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but from Thursday-Sunday last weekend, I ate myself sick every single day. I consumed about 3x my daily allowance of calories. I binged on lots of chocolate, candy, cookies, movie theater popcorn, and literally anything I could get my hands on. I just kept stuffing it all into my big fat pie hole until I literally was to the point of almost throwing up. (if only I'd have eaten just a little more, and thrown it all up, I'd be better off right now, but that's a different eating disorder)

Every morning I woke up, weighed myself, saw the damage done on the scale and felt so ashamed and miserable. So full of self loathing. I promised that this would be a new day, and I'd take control again....only to binge eat another day. I've gained over 5lbs this weekend. I'm so angry with myself. I behaved all through the holidays, and since Jan 1st (including this weekend's binge) I'm up 9 lbs. I can't believe how out of control I feel. I even looked up Overeaters Anonymous, but feel too embarrassed and ashamed to go to a meeting. Partly I don't want to face a bunch of strangers with my problem (yet I'll blog about it, go figure) and part of it is, most people in Overeaters Anonymous are heavy and I worry they won't be very kind to the "skinny" girl at the meeting. In addition to my binge eating, I'm a compulsive exerciser, so I'm not heavy. (although I didn't touch my treadmill last weekend, and I'm furious with myself for that)

I think it's the stress of the lay offs at work, the economy, and a variety of personal things that just have me feeling like I'm spiraling out of control.

Today, I just found out my aunt is retiring on Friday, and decided to drive to Iowa to surprise her at her retirement party. I almost don't want anyone to see me because I feel so huge and gross. The funny thing is, I weigh 120 lbs. I'm ridiculous. In my head I know this isn't fat, but it feels so disgusting and awful. I hate myself so much right now.

I ate appropriately today. I guess that's all I can do. Take it one day at a time, and try to keep myself in line. Try to fight off the urge to stuff my face.

3 comments:

Thomas Palmer said...

Holly, I just read your post, and Walt's, and honestly, I've been there. Truly been there. I believe it's a seasonal thing, as well as a stress-reaction that we all battle with. The worst thing is eating cause you feel bad about yourself - from overeating. The only way I survive through it all is by truly removing all the crap food from the house. Both Nate and I have the same weight/image issue, and that's what we've done. It kinda sucks, and believe me, I totally miss junk food, but it's the only way I've manage to keep my weight at a reasonable level. Oh, and the threat that Nate gave me that he didn't ever want a fat husband ;)

::Big Hugs::

-Thom

Kevin Bee said...

Not being an ass, but have you thought about talking to a professional? I think there is more here than eating. Just my thoughts.

Walt said...

Hello fellow emotional eater! I seem to lose my self control more when I feel things in my life are out of control. Your work life has been stressing the fuck out of you. But it seems like you weathered this latest round (which sounded more intense than any of the previous rounds) and hopefully things will calm down and you'll be right back on track. Try not to sweat it much, says the man who just had another brownie for dinner!