I'm sure this comes as no shock to many of you, but I have a problem with food. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but from Thursday-Sunday last weekend, I ate myself sick every single day. I consumed about 3x my daily allowance of calories. I binged on lots of chocolate, candy, cookies, movie theater popcorn, and literally anything I could get my hands on. I just kept stuffing it all into my big fat pie hole until I literally was to the point of almost throwing up. (if only I'd have eaten just a little more, and thrown it all up, I'd be better off right now, but that's a different eating disorder)
Every morning I woke up, weighed myself, saw the damage done on the scale and felt so ashamed and miserable. So full of self loathing. I promised that this would be a new day, and I'd take control again....only to binge eat another day. I've gained over 5lbs this weekend. I'm so angry with myself. I behaved all through the holidays, and since Jan 1st (including this weekend's binge) I'm up 9 lbs. I can't believe how out of control I feel. I even looked up Overeaters Anonymous, but feel too embarrassed and ashamed to go to a meeting. Partly I don't want to face a bunch of strangers with my problem (yet I'll blog about it, go figure) and part of it is, most people in Overeaters Anonymous are heavy and I worry they won't be very kind to the "skinny" girl at the meeting. In addition to my binge eating, I'm a compulsive exerciser, so I'm not heavy. (although I didn't touch my treadmill last weekend, and I'm furious with myself for that)
I think it's the stress of the lay offs at work, the economy, and a variety of personal things that just have me feeling like I'm spiraling out of control.
Today, I just found out my aunt is retiring on Friday, and decided to drive to Iowa to surprise her at her retirement party. I almost don't want anyone to see me because I feel so huge and gross. The funny thing is, I weigh 120 lbs. I'm ridiculous. In my head I know this isn't fat, but it feels so disgusting and awful. I hate myself so much right now.
I ate appropriately today. I guess that's all I can do. Take it one day at a time, and try to keep myself in line. Try to fight off the urge to stuff my face.