I'm sure this comes as no shock to many of you, but I have a problem with food. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but from Thursday-Sunday last weekend, I ate myself sick every single day. I consumed about 3x my daily allowance of calories. I binged on lots of chocolate, candy, cookies, movie theater popcorn, and literally anything I could get my hands on. I just kept stuffing it all into my big fat pie hole until I literally was to the point of almost throwing up. (if only I'd have eaten just a little more, and thrown it all up, I'd be better off right now, but that's a different eating disorder)
Every morning I woke up, weighed myself, saw the damage done on the scale and felt so ashamed and miserable. So full of self loathing. I promised that this would be a new day, and I'd take control again....only to binge eat another day. I've gained over 5lbs this weekend. I'm so angry with myself. I behaved all through the holidays, and since Jan 1st (including this weekend's binge) I'm up 9 lbs. I can't believe how out of control I feel. I even looked up Overeaters Anonymous, but feel too embarrassed and ashamed to go to a meeting. Partly I don't want to face a bunch of strangers with my problem (yet I'll blog about it, go figure) and part of it is, most people in Overeaters Anonymous are heavy and I worry they won't be very kind to the "skinny" girl at the meeting. In addition to my binge eating, I'm a compulsive exerciser, so I'm not heavy. (although I didn't touch my treadmill last weekend, and I'm furious with myself for that)
I think it's the stress of the lay offs at work, the economy, and a variety of personal things that just have me feeling like I'm spiraling out of control.
Today, I just found out my aunt is retiring on Friday, and decided to drive to Iowa to surprise her at her retirement party. I almost don't want anyone to see me because I feel so huge and gross. The funny thing is, I weigh 120 lbs. I'm ridiculous. In my head I know this isn't fat, but it feels so disgusting and awful. I hate myself so much right now.
I ate appropriately today. I guess that's all I can do. Take it one day at a time, and try to keep myself in line. Try to fight off the urge to stuff my face.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
It's my 15th year
So, I'm doing the Walk For Animals again this year. As I'm sure most of you know, I love animals. I love them more than most people. The Animal Humane Society gets no government assistance, they take in ALL animals with no waiting list unlike some of the shelters who pick and chose which animals they'll take. They really do a wonderful service in the community here in Minnesota, and throughout the country, as other shelters often send their "excess" animals here. They do all the cruelty investigations in the area and do so much with relatively little resources.
Here is my blog post from last year....I think it pretty much sums up how I feel about the Humane Society, and my dog Misty.
This year is going to be my 14th year doing the Walk for Animals benefiting the Animal Humane Society. I usually bring River (my parrot) and whomever else I think will behave themselves. Which means Harvey rarely goes along. It's usually River and Sunshine. I've been doing it so long, that my original walking companion at this event was actually the same "person" who introduced me to the Humane Society, my dog Misty. She walked with me from 1995-1999.
I got Misty 6/4/83. I was 11 years old and that was the day my father left us. He wouldn't let me have a puppy, so the day he left, my mother took me down to the Humane Society to pick out a puppy. As soon as I spotted her, I knew this was the dog I wanted. She was tiny, and adorable. At the time, she was all of 6" long, and looked like a tiny beagle. (Later we would learn she was actually a Beagle/Lab mix, and she topped out at about 50 lbs) There was a family there looking at her and playing with her. The mother in that family told the kids to put the puppy back in the cage, and they would go look at the adult dogs, and come back and adopt her. I saw my chance, and as soon as they put her back, I waited until they were out of sight, and I grabbed my new puppy, and brought her up to the adoption desk. She was $50.00 and I paid with my own money, since we were now going to be strapped for cash with my father gone. She was officially mine.
Misty had been abused, and didn't like men, even though she was only about 12 weeks old when we got her. In her whole life, she met 2 men she ever liked. One was my Grandpa, and one was Nick. She and I grew up together, and she was there for me in a way no one else ever was, or honestly, ever has been since.
She was fiercely protective of me, and would always stand between me and any visitors to our house. She also got between my mother and I, when my mother would get abusive with me. Even when I was an adult and married, and she was a feeble 16 year old dog, she would stand on shaky legs between me and Nick's friend Sean who she deemed a shady character. She would never let anything happen to "her girl." If I went to bed before Nick, she would lay in front of the door to the bedroom, and wait until Nick came to bed, once he came to bed, she must have decided it was his responsibility to protect me, and she would go lay on her doggie bed at the foot of our bed.
I had her from when I was 11 until I was 27. Her body had just given out and I had to make the most horrible decision of my entire life. I had to put my best friend in the whole world to sleep. She had a good, long life, and I will always be grateful to have known her. She was the only constant thing I had in my childhood besides my grandparents. She protected me, and comforted me through all the hard times in my childhood, and I will always miss her.
She is the reason I started doing the Walk for Animals, and the reason I will always do it. To help all the unwanted pets like her, who may just be someone's best friend.
Here is my blog post from last year....I think it pretty much sums up how I feel about the Humane Society, and my dog Misty.
This year is going to be my 14th year doing the Walk for Animals benefiting the Animal Humane Society. I usually bring River (my parrot) and whomever else I think will behave themselves. Which means Harvey rarely goes along. It's usually River and Sunshine. I've been doing it so long, that my original walking companion at this event was actually the same "person" who introduced me to the Humane Society, my dog Misty. She walked with me from 1995-1999.
I got Misty 6/4/83. I was 11 years old and that was the day my father left us. He wouldn't let me have a puppy, so the day he left, my mother took me down to the Humane Society to pick out a puppy. As soon as I spotted her, I knew this was the dog I wanted. She was tiny, and adorable. At the time, she was all of 6" long, and looked like a tiny beagle. (Later we would learn she was actually a Beagle/Lab mix, and she topped out at about 50 lbs) There was a family there looking at her and playing with her. The mother in that family told the kids to put the puppy back in the cage, and they would go look at the adult dogs, and come back and adopt her. I saw my chance, and as soon as they put her back, I waited until they were out of sight, and I grabbed my new puppy, and brought her up to the adoption desk. She was $50.00 and I paid with my own money, since we were now going to be strapped for cash with my father gone. She was officially mine.
Misty had been abused, and didn't like men, even though she was only about 12 weeks old when we got her. In her whole life, she met 2 men she ever liked. One was my Grandpa, and one was Nick. She and I grew up together, and she was there for me in a way no one else ever was, or honestly, ever has been since.
She was fiercely protective of me, and would always stand between me and any visitors to our house. She also got between my mother and I, when my mother would get abusive with me. Even when I was an adult and married, and she was a feeble 16 year old dog, she would stand on shaky legs between me and Nick's friend Sean who she deemed a shady character. She would never let anything happen to "her girl." If I went to bed before Nick, she would lay in front of the door to the bedroom, and wait until Nick came to bed, once he came to bed, she must have decided it was his responsibility to protect me, and she would go lay on her doggie bed at the foot of our bed.
I had her from when I was 11 until I was 27. Her body had just given out and I had to make the most horrible decision of my entire life. I had to put my best friend in the whole world to sleep. She had a good, long life, and I will always be grateful to have known her. She was the only constant thing I had in my childhood besides my grandparents. She protected me, and comforted me through all the hard times in my childhood, and I will always miss her.
She is the reason I started doing the Walk for Animals, and the reason I will always do it. To help all the unwanted pets like her, who may just be someone's best friend.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
New Rule.
I let people treat me badly. It's partly my own fault because I put up with it and don't usually say anything about it, probably because of my crazy parents. Well I'm not playing that way anymore. The new rule is very simple; if you want to be in my life you will treat me fairly and with respect. The end. I don't think that's asking too much.
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