The other shoe

Well, the other shoe finally dropped. I've been fearful of my company laying me off for about 1 1/2 years now, and Wednesday, December 30th my fear became my reality.

It's a mix of emotions. Relief, because I can't worry about it anymore. It's happened. Fear. What if I can't find a job? My degrees aren't exactly sought after. Yeah....a gemologist isn't someone that everyone is knocking down doors to employ in this economy. I fear I'll be living in a tent city before long. (I can hear Matty yelling at me that this isn't true...I know, Matty.) I fear I'll lose everything. In reality, I know this isn't true because I've been planning for my unemployment for a while now. We refinanced the house to a lower interest rate, and our payment lowered by about $350/month. I've been saving money in anticipation of my paycheck disappearing. Funny, my job cut me by 1 day a week at the beginning of the year, and still with 20% less income I managed to save a decent amount of money.

I've never been unemployed, and frankly it's really not good for your self esteem. It's kind of sad how much my job defined who I was as a person, and I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I'm not really sure I want to find out, either. I don't really care.

I think my biggest fear is of myself. I'm worried about me slipping away. Slipping into a depression I can't pull out of. I noticed myself getting depressed on my Fridays off that I've had for the last year. I forced myself to go out on my day off. Just to leave the house, because on the days I didn't leave the house, I didn't like where I was mentally. It makes me feel bad about myself. I'm not productive. My mind and soul go to dark places, and I don't want this to be who I am, or define me. I can feel the slip already happening. It's hard to get out of bed. It's hard to leave the couch. Everything is so hard. Except crying, that's easy.

Depression 1, Holly 0

Well, to further shit on me, our podcast got another 1 star review in iTunes. I know I shouldn't care, and I've been told to "get thicker skin" but it really hurts my feelings. This one seemed particularly malicious.

I really don't know what to do with myself right now. I've never felt depression like this, and I don't really know how to respond to it.

We were supposed to podcast today, but I blew that. Nessa and Walt were nice about it, as they always are. I sort of feel like I just continually let people down. Most of all myself.

I don't know what to do about work. I've been in the jewelry industry my entire adult life. I know I'm smart and will learn another industry easily, and I'm a buyer, so that translates from one industry to another fairly easily. The thing is, I'll be giving up everything I've known the last 14 years. I'll never see some of my best friends again, once I leave. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's true. Some of my best friends I speak with daily and see at conventions etc. I really feel like a part of me has died. A part of my identity has died.

The other thing that is upsetting, is someone I considered a friend is mad at me. I did/said something stupid for which I've immediately apologized profusely, but it doesn't seem to matter. I just don't really have the energy to deal with anything more. I guess if being sincerely sorry isn't good enough, then I can't fix it.

I'm really tired of crying all the time. I'm really tired of feeling sad, scared, stupid, and embarrassed. I'm tired of hating me. It's exhausting.

LOST: My sunny disposition.
Reward if found...I miss it terribly.