River cracks me up!

This is what happened this morning as I came out of the mudroom/bathroom area that we are using to quarantine the new kitty. River is my African grey parrot, and he has the intelligence of about a 6 year old. He speaks in complete sentences, and completely understands what he is saying. He amazes me daily, and I adore him.

River: What's in there?
Me: A kitty. Do you know what a kitty is?
River: Nope.
Me: It's like a dog. Like Sunshine and Harvey but smaller.
River: Oh. Cool!

Kitty and me.

Here are kitty and me...she looks big in the pics, but I'm sort of runty myself, so together we both look about the right size. Doesn't she have pretty tiger stripes on her face??


Ok...names. Come on folks. Help me!

Look who came to live with us!

This little girl joined the family today. The vet guessed she was 10-12 weeks old until he looked at her teeth. She has all her adult teeth, so he thinks she must be closer to 5 months old. Poor thing lived on a farm with about 200 other cats. The farmer didn't feed them, but just threw out old leftovers and whoever ate, won that day. Luckily for her a construction worker saw her limping and asked if he could take her. I saw the sad story on craig's list yesterday, and you may know I have a soft heart (and even softer head) for a sad animal story. So I emailed them today, and the people who took her in met me at the vet's office. She has a bum leg on her hind right. The vet thinks she was bitten by something and it's infected. She has an upper respiratory infection, ear mites...basically I came home with 5 different meds and if there is an open orifice, I have a cream, or drop to put in it. My vet told the cat that she had just won the life lottery by coming to my house to live. :)

She is really sweet. She just wants to cuddle with you and purr, which is amazing since she is for all intents and purposes a feral cat. She is a calico, and her markings are really pretty. The orange parts of her are sort of tiger striped, and she has white feet and chest.

Now, the hard part....what to name her?? Part of me wants to call her Vegas because she beat the odds, or something like that. Maybe Phoenix...dunno. Suggestions?

P.S. my allergies haven't started yet, but the vet did just give her a bath. We'll see.

Picking Scabs

My father called me this morning on my cell phone and invited himself over. I told him I wouldn't be home from work until 4:30, so he of course said that he would be at my house at 4:30. I'll have no time to decompress from work, or belt back a couple strong drinks...he'll just be there. In my face. In my home. In my life. Ugh.

My father and I have had a troubled relationship at best. This is actually the case with both of my parents who both suffer from a variety of mental problems. My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic. My father is a compulsive liar. He's also the most selfish person in the world. I like to tell people that I was raised by wolves...it's not that far from the truth, and frankly wolves are probably more nurturing.

Anyway, my father left when I was 11. That part is good. I was much happier once he left. I hated all the fighting. They fought in whispers when they thought I was sleeping and it made for a very stressful childhood. Once they separated I no longer had a divorce or the fighting to worry about, and it was actually better for me. My father moved to Texas and my mother had sole custody of me. He really only called me once a month if I was lucky. I had to spend a month there in the summer, per the custody arrangements. He didn't take any time off work for my visit, so I spent a month every summer at his house in Texas alone watching television. It was a very lonely way to spend my summer vacation. He was the king of broken promises, which is a big deal to a little girl. He promised to come up and visit me for my golden (13th) birthday. We made plans to go out to dinner, he gave me a time that he would come and pick me up for my birthday celebration. I sat on the front steps of my mother's house for a couple of hours before I accepted the fact that he wasn't coming. My birthday is October 13th, and I didn't hear from him, not even a phone call until November 15th.

I tried to let bygones be bygones. I am an adult now, and don't need parents to take care of me anymore. He's old, and has had a couple of heart attacks and a stroke. The problem is every time I try to forgive and move on, he fucks up again. Two years ago, I was in the midst of my own health problems. I had just gone through 2 miscarriages in the span of 4 months. (I didn't bother to tell either of my parents) I had just been diagnosed with a genetic clotting/autoimmune disorder. My father told me he had cancer. My friend died five years ago of cancer, so I'm pretty well versed in cancer terms, treatments, etc. His story didn't add up, but I felt guilty doubting him, because who would lie about something like that?!? Well, I kept asking questions, and he kept having answers that didn't make sense. Finally I told him that when he came up for Christmas, I would take him to the Mayo Clinic for a second opinion. Well, guess what? Turns out he didn't have cancer. He claimed they ran a new test and he didn't have it. He lied about it and played this out for about 4 months until he realized he was about to be discovered in his own web of lies. Some people are just toxic to be around. They rob you of your energy and kill a little bit of your soul every time you let them in. My parents are toxic to me.

So, would anyone like to adopt a 36 year old girl? I am kind, generous, loving, funny (can be a little snarky) still sort of cute, won't ask for money, or move back home....all I ask is that you aren't fucking nuts. That's not a lot, is it?

P.S.

Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it, and to everyone else...Happy Tuesday--a day off is always a good thing, right? :) Love to everyone who has enriched my life this last year!

xoxo~FPH

Christmas Survivor

Yesterday I picked up my contraband pies, and prepared myself for a fight. We went to Nick's grandma's at 5:00 and brought in our pies. We told her we brought pie, and she said, "We aren't having pie." I said very matter of fact, "I am." She told me, "I'm not serving pie. You'll have to take it home with you." I replied that I'd be happy to take home any left overs. Then she tried to tell me that there was no room in the refrigerator, and I told her that it was cold enough outside, and we could just keep them on the front step until dinner was over. She told me to go put them in the car, and I just ignored her. After dinner, I asked who wanted pie, and pie was served, much to the Christmas Nazi's dismay. You could tell that it pissed her off, but she was out of ideas on how to put the kibosh on the pie. I'm actually quite surprised that she didn't completely blow her lid. She's a bit of a control freak, and doesn't like any idea that isn't hers. Score 1 for the good guys! I took back Christmas.

Today I got up and made a tasty cinnamon bread for breakfast, and we watched cheesy shows on cable. Then I took a little nap on the couch. I got up, took a shower, and we went to see Sweeney Todd. I liked it, although it doesn't hurt that Johnny Depp is pretty to look at. :)

We had planned on having Chinese for dinner, but apparently the Chinese have assimilated and are closed on Christmas Day. WTF?? Had I known I would have to fend for myself, I'd have bought more that giant sized Toblerone candy bars when shopping. :( So for Christmas dinner, my choice is hot dogs, PB&J, or a frozen Mexican pizza, Nick also thinks there might be a Hot Pocket at the bottom of the freezer. (Those are Nick's icky foods, except the PB&J--that's all me...) I guess I do have some leftover pie. I *am* all about nutrition, aren't I?

Got the tree up today...just in time.

Aren't purple velvet stockings traditional??? Well they are in my house! We have them for us and the pets, unfortunately Pottery Barn discontinued them, so the dogs have to share one. Poor babies. Where the tree is, is usually where River's cage is. The window sits just above the top of his cage--yep, it's that big! (and I have a bigger one in the basement I've been toying with putting him in) He is displaced right now. He's not really in the kitchen per se, but the entire main level is one room, so he's more in a sitting area just outside of the kitchen. It's hard to label areas of a house that doesn't really have walls.

I procrastinated putting up the tree more than usual this year because this awful woman, Ann broke all my favorite ornaments at the Art and Craft sale last month. The part that really chaps me is that she didn't even say she was sorry. People are thoughtless and stupid.

The other pic is also our Christmas card this year. Many of you should be getting it in the mail any day now. It's Nick and I when he played Santa at Petco two weeks ago. I should have taken it earlier...this was the very end of the day. We were both tired, and "Santa" wasn't his freshest after having a million dogs on his lap that day! :)

The Christmas Coup d'etat

So, I went yesterday and placed my pie orders. I also called a couple of key family members to tell them of my plans for a good old fashioned Christmas Coup! I've ordered the French Silk and Candy Cane pies as was my plan. I then called Bonnie (Nick's adorable aunt) and Kim (the cousin guilty of the original pie offense) and they are both going to publicly support the dessert plan, as is Nick if he wants to continue living indoors. ;) If she doesn't want dessert, fine. As for the rest of us, we are having dessert.

The plan is set. I've already been practicing what to say to Nick's grandma when she has a fit. I'm debating between a few different things. Some are nice, some are passive aggressive....we'll see how I'm feeling when it happens. Right now I'm leaning towards, saying in the sweetest voice possible, "Bringing pies on Christmas is a nice thing to do...it's not something to get mad over." The other option involved me telling her I wasn't going to tolerate being made to walk on eggshells every Christmas and she needs to check her nasty attitude at the door or I'm not doing this anymore.

Yesterday we got the beginnings of a nasty winter storm. It started raining and by morning it was pretty treacherous. I had to run a few errands, like go pick up a package at the post office at 7:00 am and run a friend to the airport at 9:00 am. The airport is about 30 miles away and the driving was really bad. I saw probably 25 cars in the ditch. Luckily my SUV (sorry Michael and Kevin--but I love it) has All-Wheel Drive and handles really well in the snow/ice. Of course I also have the good sense not to be driving 80mph during a blizzard either.

Then I came home and found a gift bag on my porch. My friend Melissa gave me all kinds of hair care products! Yay! I love products! I got Aveda Rosemary Mint conditioner and shampoo, and Be Curly shampoo and style cream. Handy since curly hair is a nightmare most of the time! I love Aveda products! Since Aveda doesn't test on animals, and their headquarters is here in Minneapolis, I used to be a product tester when I was in college. They would put strips of tape with cotton with products on them and I would wear it for a few days, and come in to have them see if I had a reaction to anything. For a 6 week trial I would get $150 gift certificate to use towards Aveda products. Oh yes, us "product whores" will always find a way to feed the addiction! How's that for going off on a tangent?

Anyway, I was tired yesterday afternoon, and decided to take a little nap. There is nothing more satisfying than a nice afternoon nap when the house is all quiet and you're all alone. I woke up at about 5:00 when Nick got home, and we turned on the tv to watch the news. Good thing we did, because there was a commercial for a store at a mall that I had volunteered to do gift wrapping for charity at. I saw the commercial about 40 minutes before my scheduled shift! I lurched up, asked Nick if I had "nap hair" and grabbed Sunshine (our greyhound) and headed out. The roads were really slick, much worse than earlier in the day. I gift wrapped from 6-10 last night, and generated a little money and interest in greyhounds as pets. It's cool that Barnes and Noble lets us bring our dogs into their store.

The winter storm is continuing today. It's really windy and cold, and the snow is blowing all over. Yuck.

Reliving Christmas Past

Okay, so I must have some suppressed memories of Nick's Grandma's craziness, and sadly they are flooding back. I had completely forgotten that 2 years ago, Kim (Nick's cousin) made the terrible and unforgivable mistake of bringing a French Silk pie for dessert on Christmas Eve. Nick's grandma flipped out. Wanna know why? You would think that maybe she already had a special dessert planned or something along those lines...nope. It was because we weren't having dessert on Christmas Eve, only on Christmas Day. WTF??? NO DESSERT ALLOWED ON CHRISTMAS EVE!!

She was in rare form that day. This was also the day that she decided the kids were too noisy. Now being childless myself, I have a low tolerance for child noise, but I have to say they weren't misbehaving or noisy in any way. So when it was time to sit down to Christmas dinner, the Christmas Nazi said, "You know what the best part about eating is? NOBODY can talk!" And with that we sat and ate our dinners in awkward silence. Merry Effing Christmas!

You know what I decided? I'm bringing pie. I'm bringing both Candy Cane and French Silk! Screw it. It's Christmas, and precious little brings me joy like a nice dessert. If I have to put up with her maniacal bullshit, then there will be dessert involved! I'm taking back Christmas, oh yes--there will be dessert. Nick's afraid...very, very afraid.

Oh the horror!

I just found out that the person everyone in the family hates isn't going to be at Christmas. Now this may sound like a good thing, but it's a tragedy in the making and here's why. Nick's grandma, AKA the Christmas Nazi, absolutely HATES Dave, and he's usually the one that gets yelled at. I always try to sit next to him because, while I hate him as much as anyone else, he is a safe haven. As long as Dave is there, he is most likely to be the one to take Nick's grandma's wrath. Now it's anyone's guess as to who is the target. I think I'll start drinking now in preparation.

A little Holiday Capitalism

So, I lucked out and found 3 Guitar Hero III bundles for the Wii console. Yay me! I was going to keep 1 for us, but they seem to be in demand, and I can wait a couple of months if it means I make a little profit. I put them on Craig's list, and sold my first one today. I made $30 for zero work. I like that. They seem to be going up in price the closer we get to Christmas, so here's hoping it's a Merry Christmas to me! :)

Otherwise, I've just been shopping like a fiend. I've gotten a majority of it done, so that's a burden off my shoulders, mostly. Tonight I got our Holiday cards done at Costco. I usually get a pic of Nick, me and all the pets. I didn't have the energy this year to deal with trying to get all the pets to look at the camera at the same time, so I just did one of Nick and I when he played Santa at Petco. He looks a little like a deer in headlights, but oh well. It does the trick, and that's all that matters to me anymore. Does it fill the quota? Yes? Good.

It's almost over. It's almost over. Repeat...take a deep breath. Did that work? No. Have a drink.

Productive day

Well, I was productive last night. I did get some of my Christmas shopping done, so that makes me feel a little less tense. I also found Guitar Hero III for the Wii. The Target near me had a ton of them, and now I regret not buying more to put on ebay.

This morning I was a tiny bit out of breath, but not bad at all, and it went away once my workout was done. I think I've officially survived the "green tea incident!" I do like to drink the Lipton Diet Green Tea with Citrus, but it's not so concentrated like the extract.

Today we have our employee sale at work! I hope there is something cheap and sparkley for me to have! Although I sure don't need to spend any more money right now. That's ok, most things are between $25-$50 at the sale. If it's REALLY EXPENSIVE it might be $100 or so. It's funny how your judgement on what's "expensive" when you're used to wholesale.

Anyway, I better go...I'm being a bad girl at work. :)

Lesson Learned

So on Saturday I bought some Green Tea Extract to sort of jump start a little weight loss before Christmas. I took it Saturday, Sunday and this morning. I read the label and believed it was safe for me to take even though it warned against people with "bleeding disorders" taking it. I have a clotting disorder, not a bleeding disorder so I thought it was okay. Well, when I worked out on Sunday I got a little more out of breath than normal, and it continued for most of the day. I didn't think that much of it because I have bradycardia, and sometimes my heart doesn't beat fast enough for me to get enough oxygen and it makes me short of breath sometimes. (My heart gets down to about 42 beats per minute and I have to wear a heart monitor sometimes to make sure it stays above 40 bpm, if not I will need a pacemaker...I'm an 80 year old in a 36 year old body) Anyway, I attributed the shortness of breath to the bradycardia and really didn't think much of it.

I went to work out today, and only 3 minutes into my workout I was really short of breath and dizzy, but I pushed through it and did my 30 minutes. I was really breathing heavy, and 2 hours later I still was breathing too heavy to breathe through my nose. I started to get a little scared, and googled "green tea extract and shortness of breath." Well, I found all kinds of warnings about it saying that if you have any blood disorders, or are on birth control pills, or blood thinners including aspirin therapy, or taking sudafed, that you should NOT take the green tea extract with it. Well, I took all 3 of those drugs yesterday, I have a blood disorder, and a heart disorder. I got really scared and started debating whether it was better to wait another hour and call my normal doctor who knows all the stuff wrong with me (everything) or go to urgent care. I decided to call a friend who is a doctor and ask her. She assured me I would be fine, and then lectured me about taking an herbal supplement without consulting a doctor especially with all my various health problems. It was stupid of me to do that, but green tea extract seems so harmless I just didn't think it could hurt me. Lesson learned. As Walt would say, I'm a delicate flower. :)

Ignore it, maybe it'll go away.

So, I should have done Christmas shopping today...but in typical procrastinator fashion, I ignored it. Instead, I watched Office Space, Legally Blonde, worked out on the treadmill, and went to see The Mist at the movie theater. Then when we came home I watched Survivor.

I also had some sinus problems today, and had to take some Tylenol Sinus, which is about the only thing that helps me. I need the good kind from behind the counter. The funny thing is, since they started putting it behind the counter, I am always paranoid that they won't sell it to me. I'm not sure why that is...maybe some good old fashioned Catholic guilt. (not Catholic anymore, but raised Catholic, and the guilt thing stays for life) I can't imagine a person less likely to make meth with the pseudoephedrine than a 36 year old woman from the suburbs, who's worst crime is having a lead foot, but I'm always sure their going to deny my drug purchase. In fact, one time when I was buying it, Nick hadn't shaved in a couple of days and had on a stocking hat, and I made him stand far away and pretend not to know me. I thought he looked a little shifty that day, and might stand in between me and my drugs. :) I'm crazy like that.

The movie we saw was good, but this trashy man sitting in our row a couple of seats away kept burping really loud all through the movie. (I leaned over and said, "Your mother must be so proud." He ignored me.) I hate people. Why don't 95% of people have any clue how to behave in a movie theater. Listen up people: It's NOT your living room. Behave like you are in a public place. Don't talk loud, don't burp loud, and for crying out loud DON'T answer your cell phone!!! Seriously! I'm also the bitchy lady who will say something to them. If you want to talk loud, wait until it's on DVD (which only takes a couple of months) and watch it at home!

Christmas=Stressmas! Holly needs to vent.

Ok, first off let me apologize for complaining about how stressful I find Christmas. That being said...I'm still gonna complain.

I always enjoyed Christmas until I met Nick and his family. In my family, you just buy for your immediate family, and something for the little kids. It's fun, you pretty much buy what you want for whomever you want. In Nick's family, you buy for everyone. His parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins...everyone including everone's freakin' pets!! Jesus, where does it stop!?!? It makes me crazy, and I literally start feeling tight in the chest towards the end of October in anticipation of it. The stupid thing is when I'm dreading something like this, I ignore it. I could have shopped 2 months ago, but I didn't and here I am 10 miserable days from D-Day, with no presents. I get overwhelmed and go to the mall, where I just wander around in a daze, accomplish nothing, and go home frustrated. Then while at the mall, I see stuff I like, and buy it...making the holiday that much more expensive! I completely understand why suicide rates are up this time of year. (Don't go calling any hotlines, I'm not suicidal.) It's just such a money grubbing, stress inducing holiday with his family. There are over 20 of them, and we are expected to spend $30 per person. I asked if we could just draw names the first year we were married, and his grandmother said, " FINE, maybe we should just cancel Christmas!" I should have said yes to that once in a lifetime offer. ;) Also on Christmas Eve, we all are on our very best behavior and completely walking on eggshells because his bitchy grandma is just looking for a reason to scream at someone. The best part of it is you never know what might set her off. It's always something minor and unexpected. (I always expect her to come out and start beating us and screaming, "No WIRE hangers!!") It's honestly the closest thing to a hostage situation that I've personally experienced.

Don't get me wrong. I still enjoy some aspect of the holiday. I like to make holiday treats. I enjoy the music. (Especially this year--thanks to Walt!) I like to donate to different charities. I just bought a bunch of Karen Neuburger slipper socks (Love those!!) and donated them to Little Brothers Friends of the Elderly for holiday presents for the elders. (There are over 10,000 elders in the Minneapolis/St Paul area who have 1 or fewer social visits per month, and they provide social interaction for the elders, and holiday meals, presents, cookies, flowers etc.) I volunteered to be the photographer and Nick was the Santa at the Fridley, MN Petco for their Pose your Pet with Santa event this year. Our store took the most pics of any store in the COUNTRY, with the money we raised going to Greyhound Pets of America to help more greyhounds be placed in permanent homes. So I like some aspects, I just hate all the pressure and expectations.

To me Christmas should be about doing something nice for someone unexpectedly. I would far rather go out to lunch with a friend I haven't seen in a while, or have a spa day with a girlfriend. Instead it's about filling a quota. Must. Buy.

Anyway...peace, love, goodwill to all...and all that other crap.

For Michael and Walt

Did you guys know that they now make Batman Crocs??? They must stop this madness!!

Kathy Griffin

Hey kids tonight is the night they air the Kathy Griffin show that I was at on Bravo. I believe the time is 8 Central time...so 9 for you East coasters. I believe the show is called Kathy Griffin: Straight to Hell. :) I think there might be a very good chance that my friend Clayton and I may be on tv. We were seated on an aisle and Clayton has a really great boisterous laugh. The cameraman kept coming up next to me and crouching in the aisle and filming Clayton and I laughing. I shouldn't have worn my glasses...who knew I needed to look all cute to sit in an audience? Oh well, I guess it was slightly more important to be able to see than to look cute. (we all know that's not true--it's always more important to look cute!)

Anyway, I'll let you know if I made it on tv...and I'll be signing autographs later. ;)

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Hey everyone! Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and I want to wish everybody a happy, safe Thanksgiving! This is my favorite holiday by far. Nick and I will be driving to Mason City Iowa to have dinner with my aunt Mary Kay and cousin Liz and her husband and kids. Enjoy everyone!!

I won Christmas!

I emailed my cousin Carrie after hearing she was calling family members upset about Christmas. The email was short and sweet, only 2 sentences. "Rumor has it you are upset about Christmas and have been calling everyone. Wouldn't it make sense to call me if you are upset?" And I left my phone number.

So about 15 minutes later Carrie called. I think she realized that she looked like an ass for calling everyone in the family and not addressing it with me. She claims she was just checking around to see if everyone was "okay" with it being at our house. (yeah right) Anyway, it is at my house, not the scary death house. So that is a huge relief. I'm still probably going to have to break down and tell her we don't want to go back there, but at least I've bought time with it at my house this year.

I really don't understand how she could not already know. I mean really 25 people standing around the kitchen watching someone die is traumatic. Duh! Oh well. I am just relieved that it's settled and we have been spared the drama this year, at least. I had actually been having nightmares lately because of it. :(

My adorable Grandpa

Yesterday was my adorable Grandpa Max's 89th birthday. I can't even express what he means to me. As some of you know, I have some pretty screwed up parents, and my Grandpa truly makes me feel loved. He and my Grandma (who died of breast cancer/Alzheimer's in 1991) were always one of the only stable things in my childhood. He now lives (still independently) in northern Minnesota on a lake, and I try to go visit him a few times a year. It's funny because he takes care of me like I'm still a little girl, and it always makes me feel really special. He does cute little things like make ice cream sundaes at night, and tucks me into bed. We go to A&W drive in and eat coney dogs and root beer floats. We go hiking in the woods, or go to Itasca State park. Sometimes we just go for a drive and look at the leaves changing color. It's silly stuff, but I cherish the times we spend together.

He is the only person in the world who really, truly, unconditionally loves me. He's always proud of me regardless. He's my Papa, and I love him.

Dysfunction over Christmas

Okay this story needs a little background. A few years ago we were having Christmas dinner with my mother's side of the family at a farmhouse in rural Minnesota. I was seated directly to the left of my uncle Ben. He asked for someone to pass him the dinner rolls. Then he fell face down into his dinner. I leaned over to see what was going on, and his eyes were rolled back in his head and fluttering. He then lurched backwards. We laid him on the floor in the kitchen and checked his breathing and pulse, he had neither. My cousins began CPR. I started moving the card table that the kids were eating at so the ambulance crew could get there. We all watched my uncle Ben turn purple and die while they were still doing CPR. The ambulance finally got there after about 1/2 hour. He was pronounced dead at the hospital. They think he had a blood clot to the brain and died instantly.

Now that farmhouse has ALWAYS given me the creeps. Since I was a little girl, I always hated going there, but put up with it to try not to hurt my aunt Sue's feelings. Well, last year my aunt Sue died there in that creepy house.

I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT HOUSE AGAIN!!! EVER IN MY LIFE!

My cousin Carrie (Sue's daughter) wants to have Christmas there this year. Frankly I only went there again after Ben died one time, and was completely tormented by visions of Ben turning purple and dying in that kitchen. I can't deal with going to that place. I'm not the only one, most of us feel that way, but don't know a polite way of saying we don't want to go there anymore.

I offered to have Christmas, and now I've apparently stirred the pot. (I didn't even tell her I don't want to go there anymore, I just offered to have it this year!) Carrie is calling everybody all upset, and won't address it with me.

Why are families so dysfunctional? My next move is to tell her why we don't want to come, and that will only hurt her feelings. The thing is, she grew up there and has lots of memories...we go there once a year, and the memories we have are not pleasant.

Crocs revisited

I was shopping recently and to my horror I saw that they are now marketing Crocs for winter wear as well. They are your standard ugly rubber Crocs, only now they are lined with lambswool. Really? Is there such a demand for unattractive footwear that we need to wear garden clogs year round? (Plus, I thought Uggs filled the ugly winter shoe quota, no?) I really thought one of the only redeeming grace's of winter was that I would get a small reprieve from the constant assault on my fashion sense by these hideous plastic shoes.

PEOPLE STOP BUYING THEM!! If you do, it's a win-win situation. You don't look like an idiot, and you will spare me from openly mocking you. Thanks in advance.

P.S.

Ok, so on the bright side I got my new computer up and running. It's mostly awesome! Really fast, and I love the 19" widescreen monitor. It has a few little glitches that if I were at all computer savvy I might be able to fix...but I'm not. That's what friends are for, right!?! So I'm bringing it to a friend and he is going to fix the little things for me. :) Yay!

Busy and crazy.

Hey all. Let's see...what's been going on?

I went to Chicago 2 weeks ago. It was really fun except hitting terrible traffic both coming and going. I usually make it in 5.5-6 hours. It took over 8 hours both ways. By the time I made it to Chicago, I was really tired. I managed to run a red light and almost hit a guy on a bike. Since it was a rental car, I'd have had to throw his body in the trunk and dispose of it in the lake. ;) Clayton said he would help me "get rid of the body"...that's a good friend! We went to dinner and ate and laughed. I really miss him, and am going to have to make a point of visiting him more often.

Saturday we went out for breakfast to I think it was called Ann Sathers. We had a TON of comfort food. Cinnamon rolls, egg wraps, hash browns with cheese. Yum, but it was enough to feed 4 more people. Then we went shopping and had pedicures. It was really warm, and we were both dressed way to warm in jeans and sweatshirts, so I bought a pair of flip-flops at DSW to try to cool off. I have really sensitive skin, and the flip flops wore the skin off the top of my feet. (I still have scabs now, 2 weeks later) Then we met JayT and John for dinner. Dinner was nice. The restaurant was on the river and near the theater, so it was convenient.

We went to the Kathy Griffin show, and it was hilarious! The only bad thing is it started 1/2 hour late, and it was a 10:30 show anyway...so that was a bit passed this old girl's bedtime! They were taping her stand up for a comedy special that I believe will be on Bravo, so there were cameras everywhere. Clayton has a really loud boisterous laugh and we were seated on the aisle, so the camera man kept crouching next to me and filming us laugh. It made me a little nervous, but it was fun nonetheless.

So last week my in-laws were in town. My MIL is a fairly unpleasant person. (by fairly unpleasant, read "hideous") She is quite heavy, and is a miserable human being who takes joy in making others miserable. For example, she is so fat she can't fit behind the steering wheel of a car, yet she will tell me how fat she thinks I've gotten. (At the time I drove a MINI Cooper....so really I fit into the tiniest car, she doesn't fit into ANY car!) Really, that's just rude to say. She has no manners whatsoever. This time she didn't pick on me for that, (I weigh 123lbs, how could she, really?) but did tell me my dog is fat. (He isn't any heavier than normal, he just needs a haircut!) She also told me I'm selfish for spending $350 on my GPS unit. Um, last time I checked I work for a living, and if I want to spend MY money on a GPS that's my own business. I told her that too. I said we have 6 figures in the 401(k), contribute monthly to our money market account and our private rainy day stock account, and if I want to spend that on an electronic toy for myself it's okay because I'm worth it. That somewhat shut the bitch up. She's just awful. The best part is I got to spend Friday, Saturday AND Sunday with them. Yay me-Not!

My second husband is either going to have a nice family, or be an orphan...I really don't care which. :)

So this week I've been dealing with a sick dog. Harvey our poodle mix has been sick. He has been lethargic, no appetite, can't really walk etc. I have had him into the vet for now $300 worth of tests. They are thinking he has some calcification in the discs in his back. We put him on steroids last night, and I'm hoping it helps. I accidentally overdosed him, too, so I was up most of the night keeping an eye on him. I was supposed to give him 1 pill 2 times a day, and for some reason I gave him 2 pills last night. I'm usually so good at that sort of thing, but I've has some short term memory issues since the accident. (still have a headache from it, in fact) Anyway I was going to make him drink peroxide to throw up, but I called the emergency vet and they said it should be fine, but to keep an eye on him. He was panting all night, so that made me worry, but this morning he is fine. Hope the meds work for him. It's heartbreaking to see a dog who can't really even walk. He's only 5, so he's too young for all this crap.

Ok, so there you go...that's what I've been up to.

Today's lessons learned

1. I don't look like a bimbo. At least that's what Jimmi on Real Men Wear Pink said on today's episode. I guess that's good.

2. If you find a white piece of plastic with the Apple logo all chewed up, that's likely going to be a bad thing. (It was the USB cable to my iPod...thanks Sunshine!)

3. This one is the most important one, so don't forget it. People are scumbags; don't waste your time trying to be nice to them. They don't deserve it, so don't bother.



Lesson 3 was taught to me today by the scumbag who hit my car last night. She was all apologies last night, but today she is Little Miss Liar Pants. This is what actually happened. I was stopped waiting at a stoplight. She came and smashed into my rear-end. She said her ABS didn't work for some reason, and that it was slippery from the rain. (it wasn't even slippery) The police seemed like they wanted to give her a ticket. They kept asking me if she was talking on the phone or text messaging. If she was driving negligently in any way. I said it was just one of those things that happens, and I didn't think she was negligent. The police officer seemed to be leading me to try to ticket her. I felt bad, she was a college student and had never been in an accident. Her car looked like it's most likely totalled, so I didn't want her to get a ticket in addition to all that. So how does she show her appreciation for me being nice to her? For me not yelling at her for hitting me? For me trying to make sure she didn't get a ticket? She lies about what happened in an effort to make it look like it was partly my fault. Her statement to her insurance agent was that I was speeding down the street and slammed on my brakes. Um, yeah I was speeding down the street at a breakneck zero miles per hour! Yep! Just sitting at the stoplight like a maniac!

I guess we need these wake up calls every now and then. People aren't nice. Don't make the mistake that because you are nice, others might be too. They aren't--they suck.

So the mechanic that looked at my car told me that he wouldn't recommend driving it to Chicago. Happy flippin' birthday celebration weekend to me! I'm going to try to get her insurance company to rent me a comparable car. It's funny, the Murano is considered a "premium" car and costs about $50 per day to rent. I don't feel like I should not have to drive junk, and they should provide me with something similar to what their insured wrecked. We'll see how this goes.

This blog was much better before blogger ate it and I had to rewrite it...

Sorry to be so foul the past couple of days. I'm really stressed out. I'm achy. My head hurts, and for some reason my soul hurts and it makes me cry.

Seriously, I have the worst flippin' luck!

Ok, if you are looking for an attitude that even remotely resembles positive read no further! This isn't the day for that shit! Not here, and not from me anyway!

So, I decided to go get my eyebrows waxed. A little beautification at the spa seemed like it was in order. So I was on my way there when a young girl smashed into (rear-ended)my Nissan Murano at a stoplight. Nobody was hurt, blah blah blah. Although I am getting a little stiff and achy, but that's to be expected.

My birthday celebration (I tend to stretch out a birthday as long as I can!) in Chicago is this weekend and I am supposed to be driving there. Grrr! Now it's not that big of a deal, and I understand the important thing is that nobody was hurt. I have rental insurance etc. The rental won't be as nice as my Murano, so that kinda sucks when I'm going to be driving for 12 hours this weekend. But seriously!?!? My Murano is just barely a year old, and this is the second accident it's been in. The first one was a really bad one. I was broadsided in the driver's side, my car spun in traffic 180 degrees, and I actually was VERY lucky to have walked away from that accident. The car was in the shop for almost 3 months!

I'm really frustrated right now, and I realize that the need to use profanity is a sign of a weak mind unable to express itself in more appropriate language, but all I want to do right now is scream FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! Why couldn't that girl have been paying attention?!?! This is the 3rd accident I've been in in 15 months! Can I just have a break please?!?!

Ok, on a happy note I get to see Kathy Griffin on Saturday!

Tapeworm day!

Today I had what my friends Michael and Kevin would call a tapeworm day. Nick and I ate all manner of junk! The day started out pretty good with a triple berry/soy milk smoothie. From there, we went to cheetos, fresh tollhouse cookies, a butterfinger bar. It was a dietary disaster.

The good news is until the diet blow-out today I had lost 6 if the 7 lbs I wanted to lose! So it's ok to have a cheat-fest!

It was really dreary and rainy today. We spent the whole day watching tv premiers on the dvr, and napping. I really think I am going to like Dirty, Sexy, Money. I don't like Bionic Woman, and Private Practice. It might not be fair to judge it since I did take a little nap in the middle of it, but then again, if it puts me to sleep, that can't be a good sign! Everything else fell in the middle, and could go either way. (we have watched Dirty Sexy Money, Bionic Woman, Moonlight, Chuck, Reaper, Private Practice...and I cant remember what else) The one I am most excited about is Pushing Daisies. It looks really fun, and interesting. We'll see!

Motorcycle accident

Nick and I decided to go to lunch today at Ruby Tuesday. On the way there about 1/2 block from the restaurant a guy on a motorcycle flew off going about 60mph. I am not sure what happened, he was with a bunch of other motorcycle riders, and they were riding 2 per lane, so maybe he hit handlebars with another. Anyway, we were on the frontage road next to the highway that it happened on. Suddenly cars were stopping and running out to this guy. I called 911, and literally within 30 seconds I could hear the police sirens. We were less than 1/2 mile from the police station. About 5 squad cars were there within 2-3 minutes.

Nick and I didn't want to be lookey-loos, so we went in the restaurant and ate our lunch. You could still see all the flashing lights from our booth. While Nick was at the salad bar, I went outside to see if the ambulance had arrived. It had, and I could see him laying on the road and the paramedics were working on him. I went back in, and ate my lunch. I wasn't hungry anymore, and I was shaky. They worked on him for about 1/2 hour before the ambulance took him to the hospital. I hope he is okay.

I have a weird reaction to ambulances sometimes. Not very often anymore, but every now and then, I still get teary eyed and shaky when I hear the sirens. Almost 6 years ago, my mother had a heart attack while recovering from hip replacement surgery at my house. I called the ambulance and like today, the police came first. They put her on oxygen, took her pulse, etc. When the ambulance came, they got her on a stretcher, and just as they were putting her in the ambulance, she went into cardiac arrest. I was in the front seat of the ambulance when it happened. The paramedic kept yelling her name, then they hooked her up to the crash cart and started shocking her. It's not like on television. Every time she was shocked she made this awful screaming noise. I was crying, and the police officer tried to make me go in the house, but I stayed there. (I wasn't getting in the way or anything, she just didn't want me to see it) They worked on her for 10-15 minutes before she had a pulse and we were finally able to drive to the hospital. I was horrified at how many people don't pull over for ambulances! She was rushed into the ER, and had no idea what was happening. I for some reason was really calm at that point and told her she had a heart attack, had gone into cardiac arrest, and that they were going to take care of her. I told her she would be okay and to behave herself in surgery. (That was my way of telling her not to die) One of the ER nurses told me I was really strong and that she appreciated it. She said patients don't need family members freaking out when they are going into surgery. So with that they took my mother into the cardiac unit and did an angioplasty on her and put in two stents. She was in the hospital for a couple of days, and came back to my house to recover for a couple of weeks. She is fine now--crazy, but alive.

Good Girl!

Ok, I behaved really well yesterday. Worked out, ate properly. Blah blah blah....all that boring stuff that is no fun! The fun part was this morning when I weighed myself and I was 3.1lbs lighter. I guess that must mean a lot of it was water weight. Now I have only 4 lbs to lose before my birthday in 3 weeks. Easy! Why is it that I saw the results and instantly wanted to cheat? That is part of the problem, I celebrate everything with food. Weight loss is probably the only thing in the world you really can't celebrate with a tasty treat. Sure after a milestone you can cheat a little, but after one day?!?! C'mon, Holly hold strong! I didn't cheat today. Good girl!

Turning over a new leaf

Ok, today is the day I get back on the dietary straight and narrow. For real this time--I mean it! I've been eating everything that isn't nailed down pretty much for the last month. It makes me really mad at myself, and then I eat more junk. What is wrong with me?? I'm up 7lbs as of this morning. (Although I weighed myself about an hour ago, and am down a pound from this morning--so some of it must be water!)

I had donuts every day this week except today. Two of them yesterday, in fact! I am completely out of control. I'm trying to regain control. Today a girl at work baked apple pies and brought them in, and I didn't have any. It's not that hard to resist apple pie, it's donuts, chocolate cake, candy, etc. that are hard to leave alone! So 3 weeks from tomorrow is my 36th birthday. I need to be 7lbs lighter by then, which should be pretty doable. Then I can have cake and a good birthday dinner. The following week I go to Chicago to visit my friend Clayton. So I want to be thin for my trip. Clayton hasn't seen me since I lost weight, so I want to be at my thinnest and most fabulous! :)

Today I behaved myself. No junk at all. I even snacked on baby cucumbers. Slightly less satisfying than candy, but it makes me hate myself a lot less. I also ran on the treadmill for 1/2 hour. I much prefer walking outside, but it gets dark so early now and Nick doesn't like to go with me. I live in a safe neighborhood, but I don't like walking alone in the dark. (partly because I'm night blind, partly because I'm a little girl and don't like being raped and murdered!)

I realize this is a big rambling pile of crap, but oh well. It's my pile of crap, so suck it! :) I'll keep you posted on the weight loss.

September 18th.

Today it's been a year since I had emergency surgery. I went to work, and someone had brought donuts. I chose the biggest apple turnover known to man...literally it was bigger than my head. About 5 minutes after finishing my turnover I got a rather sharp pain in my left side. I called my OB/GYN and she told me to go to an emergency room. I drove to the one my OB was affilliated with even though it was about a 45 minute drive. I went in and described my pain and told them that I was 8 weeks pregnant. They told me to wait in the ER and they would call me.

Within 5 minutes a nurse came out with a wheelchair to get me. They poked and prodded at my side and sent me in for an ultrasound. I was all too familiar with all this because this was actually my third pregnancy in 13 months. (I have about a million things physically wrong with me, but that's a whole other story!) The ultrasound confirmed that the pregnancy was tubal, and I would need to undergo an emergency surgery. I asked them if I could just have chemotherapy like I did one other time, but the doctor told me this was too late to do that. I would later find out that my fallopian tube had already ruptured at this point.

I called Nick to tell him that I was in the ER and had a tubal pregnancy and was going to need surgery. I had never had any kind of surgery and I was scared. Nick told me he would get there as soon as he was done with work. Now, Nick is a mailman and has literally thousands of hours of sick pay that he is allowed to use for either himself or a family member's illness, or medical emergency. We went back and forth and he said he would see what he could do. This was about 10:30 am.

The doctors began prepping me and asking all kinds of questions about what I had eaten etc. Well, I had eaten the world's largest apple turnover just before coming. (those of you who voted me most likely to sell my soul for a donut on facebook, weren't too far off, huh?) They determined I would need to wait a little while for my surgery due to the fullness of my stomach. So they put me on an IV, and put my under this silver heat blanket that blows warm air on you. A nice young guy asked what my pain level was on a scale of 1-10, and I told him it was about a 7. He asked if I wanted some morphine, and I said I was fine. He said, "Are you sure, I've got lots! Don't be a hero!" So I let him give me morphine for the pain. They were trying to keep me from going into shock because I was bleeding internally, while trying to buy some time for me to digest my apple turnover. Leave it to me to delay medical attention due to my eating habits! I called Nick a few more times. I was scared and alone in the hospital.

They moved me to the pre-op area after about 4-5 hours. The nurses started taking my jewelry off and putting it all in a denture (Ick!) container--hopefully a new one! One nurse reprimanded me because I was told to take off all my jewelry, and when she removed my socks, she saw I had 2 toe rings on still. Well in all the blur of the morphine, frankly, I forgot they were there! Anyway, they wheeled me into surgery and Nick still wasn't there.

I woke up to about 5 nurses standing around me. It was all fuzzy, but I distinctly heard one of them say that she got really scared when my heart rate dipped below 50 beats per minute. (I have bradycardia, and my heart slows way down...if it gets worse, I may end up with a pacemaker) I slowly opened my eyes and saw all these nurses standing around me, looking at me and asking how I felt. I asked them if my bikini modeling career was over, and they laughed and knew I was ok. I noticed there was another woman in the recovery room who had elbow surgery. She had 1 nurse there with her and she was really complaining and whining. It's funny, she has elbow surgery and you would think it was the end of the world. I actually "bradied down" during surgery--that's when alarms start going off and they start worrying that they may have to shock you, and I'm making jokes with the nurses when I wake up.

Anyway, it was about 5:30 when they moved me to my hospital room. They were serving dinner, and the hallway smelled really good. I asked what we were having, and was informed that I just woke up from surgery, so it would be jello and broth for me. (ick--although I did con them into giving me chocolate pudding later) I got to my room and Nick was FINALLY there. He bought me my iPod, but no earbuds. So he visited for 15 minutes, and went home (45min one way) to get my earbuds. I don't know why he didn't just go to the Target that was 1 mile away and buy some. So an 1 1/2 hours later he came back with my earbuds, and promptly left with his uncle to help him drive my car home.

He called me the next morning and told me to call him when I was released. I was released at about 2:00 pm, and he picked me up in front of the hospital. He didn't even come up to get me in my hospital room. A nurse wheeled me down in the wheelchair, and he picked me up outside.

It's been a year, and I'm ok with the no kids thing. I really like my life the way it is. It's just hard to get passed being abandoned in a hospital by someone who is supposed to love you. Nick is no longer my medical emergency contact person, my friend Susan is. That isn't right.

Murphy's Law

I went for a long walk today to repent for some dietary sins I've committed recently. I had a leisurely morning of reading the paper, playing on the net and eating omelets. So I decided to take my walk before I showered. Why shower first and then get all sweaty? So I threw on a tank top, some jean shorts, put my hair in a ponytail, and my iPod and I were out the door. I walk the trails daily, and never run into anyone I know, except neighbors, but really who cares if they see me looking like trash? (Heck, I've run over to some of their houses in my pajamas before!) I walked about 3 miles out on the trail, stopped to play on the swings at a park. You're never too old to play on the swings! Then coming out of the park getting ready to start the 3 miles back, I see a guy on a bike stop, and out of my peripheral vision I see him turn around. I can hear him saying something, but can't quite hear what because my iPod was playing. Finally he pulls up next to me, and it turns out to be Dave, a guy I work with. Ugh! I hadn't showered, I have a messy looking ponytail, no make up, wearing a wife-beater tank top. I wouldn't have cared if it hadn't been someone I WORK with. I'm gross. I'm embarrassed. Why don't I ever run into people when I'm looking especially good? Murphy's law!

Crocs

Dear Croc wearers,
If you wear these, please don't take offense--you'll thank me for it later. Take them off your feet now. Place them in the garbage can. Shut the lid. Don't get me wrong, I understand they are comfortable, but these are not for wear in public. You may wear them in your garden, or around your house--that's it. And please for crying out loud, I'm begging you, don't wear them with socks! It just makes me worry that none of your friends care enough about you to tell you the truth.

Love,
Holly

Oooh look at how fancy I am!

All the cool kids have blogs, and now I do too!! Yay!