I'm F.I.N.E.

And if you either saw the Italian Job or are an Aerosmith fan, you will know that means:
Fucked-up
Insecure
Neurotic and
Emotional

Did I ever tell you guys that I got to go to the premier of the Italian Job because I had one of the first new MINI Coopers when they came out?? It was really cool. The stunt driver came to the premier and did a bunch of the stunts from the movie....none of which were CGI, by the way.

I miss my MINI Cooper. It was by far my favorite car that I've ever had. We sold it the first time I was pregnant since it wasn't a good car to get a car seat into and out of. Had I known then what I know now, I'd have never sold it.

Random thought.

Still struggling.

Ok, let me first point out that my compulsive exercise hasn't been all treadmill. I do 2 1/2 miles on the treadmill every morning. Beyond that, my walks are outside on the nature trails behind my house. So the 9 mile walk, the 6 mile walk...those happen outside. I could walk forever outside. It's truly my form of meditation. I feel like I can rejuvenate and collect my thoughts. I listen to my music and sing along, and don't give a damn what it sounds like or if anyone hears me. It's the part of the day that I can unwind, and decompress.

So today, I made a vow to myself that I wasn't going to eat anymore crappy food. It was a vow I broke at 12:00. I didn't make it past lunch. I started obsessing about fettuccini alfredo at about 8:00 am and it consumed my mind the whole morning. What did I do?? Of course, I got take out from the nearby Italian restaurant. (followed by a bunch of candy--of course) I seriously feel like an alcoholic on a bender, I'm that out of control. I need to go to a meeting or something.

I worked so hard to lose weight 2 years ago, and I feel like I am throwing it all away. The stupid thing is, I haven't even gained that much weight. Just a few pounds, but it's enough to scare me, because I feel the control slipping away from me. I'm not fat. I weigh 127 right now. I wear anything from a size 4 to an 8 depending on how the clothes are cut. I know that there are people who would love to be the size I am. (I hope that doesn't come off as conceited, that's not how it's meant) Why do I treat my body this way? Why can't I love myself enough to take care of me? Is it the stress I've been under lately on the job front? I don't know. If I knew I could fix it.

I also think I've given the wrong impression to people. I say "we're poor." It's not actually the case. It's more my mindset right now. I'm scared with my job being only 4 days a week, and my pay being accordingly at 80% of my normal pay. This is supposed to last until July 1st, but honestly I doubt it will be better then, so I doubt I'll be full time. I'm just a control freak, and I hate that I have no control over this. I am probably the most financially responsible person I know, and this sends me into a tailspin. I look at the statistics regarding the way Americans save, or rather don't save, and I know I'm better off than most people. I have 2- 401(k)s, a money market account, a savings account, and a private stock account. Nick has a great job at the post office that is completely secure. He gets cost of living increases often quarterly. He also gets regular step increases, and contractual increases....so he usually receives about 6 raises per year. I feel lucky for that. I also feel like an ingrate freaking out the way I am because most people don't have it as good as I do, but it's not something I have control over. You can't control your emotions, you can just control how you react to them. Or something like that.

I need to get myself under control. I need to love my body and take care of it. I need to stop pushing down my emotions with food.

Tomorrow's another day.

Struggle

I've been struggling to make the right food choices for the past 5 days or so. I'm up a few pounds, and I seem to be unable to regain control. I've also been exercising like a fool. I went for a 9 mile walk last night. This morning I did the treadmill for 2 1/2 miles and did another 6 miles after work. From Friday through today, I've walked close to 30 miles. Can you say exercise bulemia?? Yeah, so can I.

Hopefully tomorrow I get myself back under control. I'm not sure what's wrong with me right now.

Dare I say, Spring is here!

So, the adorable Magnolia tree we planted last fall is blooming! It makes me so happy, and I almost believe we have survived Winter. Here's hoping! All of the trees are 3-4 weeks behind due to what a cold Spring we have had. Hopefully we get leaves on the trees soon! They are starting to bud, so it should be soon!

It's about 70 degrees and sunny today. I wish it would have been this nice yesterday for the Walk. Oh well, I'll take it a day late.

I'm heading out to go for a long walk because I've eaten a lot of naughty things, and need to repent. :)

Walk for Animals

Today was the 34th annual Walk for Animals to benefit the Animal Humane Society. It's pretty much my favorite day of the year. I absolutely love the walk, the people/animal watching, the snacks, everything about it! You see every kind of pet you can think of, and several you wouldn't have guessed. I've seen dogs, cats, birds, ferrets, ponies, llamas, goats, alligators, hamsters, gerbils, snakes, even a goldfish...although I'm not sure the goldfish was enjoying the festivities in his jar. :) Truth be told, most of the cats I've seen don't seem to be enjoying themselves, either.

I was planning to do a video podcast today, and even bought the flip video specifically for that purpose, but poor planning on my part put the kibosh on that. I failed to bring back up batteries, and the ones the camera came with died. I only got as far as registration before the camera died. So my first attempt at a video podcast pretty much crashed and burned. Oh well, who would think I would succeed on my first attempt! I should have known that the batteries that electronics come with are always junk.

Today was supposed to be cold and freezing rain, but lucky for me, meteorologists are rarely accurate in their predictions! It was sunny and cool. The day started at about 42 degrees when we started walking, and by the time we left it was about 51, so all in all it was pretty nice. I was pretty cold, however. We brought our greyhound Sunshine and she did well, but by the end of the 5 miles, she was dragging. She slept the whole way home, and pretty much the rest of today.

When we got home, I was really tired and cold. I really couldn't seem to warm up, so I laid down in my bed with my jeans and my North Face Windwall polar fleece on, and curled up with my down comforter. I can never sleep with so much clothes on, especially jeans, but the next thing I knew, I was disoriented and confused 3 hours later. I took a really long, hard nap. The kind where you don't know if it's morning or night, and it takes you a while to wake up. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, plus the 5 mile walk, so I was tired.

Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Yay for day 3 of my blog-a-day challenge!

2 days in a row!!

Look at me! I rock! You didn't think I'd keep it up, did you? Yeah, me either.

Ok so today I went to Blockbuster video to look at the flip video camera. It's cool, easy to use, and I thought it would be fun to record some of the Walk for Animals tomorrow. So they were on sale for $99.00 and my dear Archerr from Archerradio.com sent me some Blockbuster gift cards that he had gotten with his Coke Rewards. Well, I decided to buy it, and after tax I only paid $50.13!! Woo hoo! How great is that? THANKS ARCHERR! You rock!

And speaking of my Walk for Animals, I have raised $1635.00 online for the Animal Humane Society! I feel really happy about that. This is one of my favorite charities, and one I always give to. They are one of the largest shelters, and they do a lot of cruelty investigations, and they seem to always be the ones to go in and get the animals nobody else will. Most recently they ended up with like 100 purebred labs from a puppy mill. The walk for animals is like my own personal Christmas. It's one of my favorite days of the year. It's so amazing to see tens of thousands of people out walking with their pets to benefit such a great cause. It's also really fun people watching. (and of course the day starts with free donuts! 400 dozen to be exact!)

Otherwise it's cold and rainy here, and will be tomorrow for the Walk. Boo!

:)

Again with the Lemming....can I not have one original thought?

Okay, okay....I'm getting suckered into the blog a day bullshit for May. There. I did it for today. Happy now? Good! Sheesh! ;)